RESPECT a lesson in it

This post has been long in the making. Many of you know that Facebook has decided that mastectomy pics are too offensive and sexual to post. I had a rant with someone as to why we put these images out there. So I am feeling the need to really explain it which is bullshit because I have explain to the fools a million times. For the record I do not seek fame or glory for posting these images. I personally find it therapeutic to post about what I have gone through. It does empower me to see that others are gaining strength from me. For some stupid dumb reason people and I do include FACEBOOK here just does not see that.  In case you missed it lets start at the beginning.....

When you are DX you get scared, really scared. Not the omg there's a monster in the closet but the holy shit balls what the hell is going to happen to my body, health and LIFE!! Your doc gives you the info sometimes in a neat little pamphlet with a smiling woman on the front. BULL SHIT!!! So what you do is Google, yup good ole doctor Google. You want to see what you will look like after a lumpectomy, see I started with that. My nipple was scabbed and destroyed, no one told me that. Nor did I know what the hell it was going to really feel like, you maybe sore is an understatement and hearing it from a triage nurse that never experienced it is not comforting. COMFORT is why images like this which leads us to those who went through it.


after the lumpectomy



You look to see what your chest will look like after the doctors remove the cancer that is trying to eliminate you. You want to really see what the hell is going to happen not a drawn picture of drains. What will you look like after they cut your breasts off and replace them with tissues expanders?? What the hell is a tissue expander going to do? Finding those images takes away some just some of the scary crap that is entering that head. So images like this not only take that out but give you HOPE that you will be OK, maybe not right away.

the first time I saw what was under the wrapping, drains and all 

 You want to know how is THAT going to ever heal?? How will I be me? Will I ever be a woman again? So you search for images to bring you PEACE of mind. You try to find something to show you that you will regain your body in some sort of new way. You need to see that there will be healing. That through the pain and the change you will at some point heal.


healing from expanders

healing from impants








healing after the painful DIEP

You get scared that you can not do this. This is not what you have the strength for. But looking at these makes you see that if someone just like you can do this then maybe are STRONG enough. Maybe just maybe you will be able to face cancer because you can see the pain, the healing and the strength in these images. You see it so it is believable. And your friends can help you see that through a picture.

my girlfriends reminding me I am STRONG

You then search for support, cause you are going to need to hear from people that actually get it. You find blogs, Instragms, FACEBOOOK and twitter to be a great outlets. You find others that are going through what you are. You find others that need to see the whole process see through someone else's body. Connecting and reaching out to those in their cancer journey and seeing that you are NOT ALONE is the main reason I do this. Because the friends, no the family we have made is what gets us through. We have an immediate connection because of what we have been faced with.


some of my "cancer family" that I have hugged

And guess what fools its because we searched CANCER not porn. Its all about the sex to the masses that do not get it. Their narrow minds can not take the sex out because there are breasts involved which tells me that we are no farther than we were 50 years ago. Not one of us feels sexual about any of this (TMI but more like lack of). We chose to promote twerking, Save the tatas (instead of save the WOMAN), go braless for breast cancer (what the actual fuck) and breast popping out of shirts. Go ahead click it. YUP that is ok on FACEBOOK but these has been removed, reported and flagged about 20 times. Go frigging figure. I would love some help telling FB where it can shove that video and the disgusting comments that followed. Thanks to a breastie for sending me that.


 tough times yes, but tough people stronger

my husband showing me love, kindness and support



I ask you PLEASE, if you do not approve then leave, you know no one is making you read this. I really do not care if you do not want to.  Is it at all possible to have the common curiosity to respect what we are trying to do. R E S P E C T, just like the queen sang it. We all deserve respect which we 

have earned to go about this how we see fit.  There is no wrong or right way to deal with your DX some choose to quietly deal with their BFFs. Some choose to tweet to get comfort, peace, support, and strength from those following them. Lisa Adams was told she was wrong for doing this

by two journalist. Who are they to comment, critique her in any way. They should not even comment on the shoes she wears (I have never seen her shoes but they are her shoes ya know). I ask you for the 100 time do not judge anyone's cancer story you are not the cancer judge there is no friggin such thing.

 Cancer of any beast can not just be wrapped up in a smiling, ribbon. Trust me I do my best to smile, laugh and rock a pink boa but unless you understand all the above the ribbon means NOTHING. Look I do not ask anyone to wear a pink boa, stilettos and a shiny tiara because that is me. Plus they may hate pink and I RESPECT that, are you seeing a pattern here.

And trust when I say if you try to be me you never fill my stilettos, ever. That tiara fits one head and that is mine!

How you doin’?

Everyone keeps asking “how you doin’?” and all I can think about is Joey. I keep saying sore mostly because some people just ask it and really don’t want to hear the reality.  I also know that inquiring minds really do want to know so I am going to lay it all out for you. Hope you are ready!

I am 4 weeks out now. I can not believe it has been a month. On New Year’s Eve my girlfriend who is a certified nurse, I did a background check, came over with many sterile utensils and pulled my drains. Julian sat there and watched didn't seem to phase him at all. Sam had nightmares after of drains falling from the sky and hitting him, he maybe scared by this. As many of you know drains SUCK. They are gross, they smell, they tug, they hurt- ain’t no "body" got time for that! hahaah So having them pulled was freeing but I had this notion that the pain would stop when they came out. NOPE!

Let’s get physical (you know I love adding songs here and there). People keep acting like because I go to Target, Wegman’s and to my family’s house I am all healed. I do those things to keep me sane but the truth is they wipe me out and I pay the next day. My stomach muscles have been ripped apart and literally cut in half, that will not heal in 4 weeks. I am usually really good from the time I get up until 11am then I must sit and doze. Then at 2pm I am done until 4pm and I get a small burst until 6pm then I am done for the night. I spend my days in the recliner, thanks GDeb for a chair you were going to throw out that has saved me for 2 years. But sitting even in a recline position after awhile makes my stomach hurt. I do not mean the little ache that my 13 year old seems to think is nothing compared to a sprain, I am talking pain like I don’t think I should move because if I do something is going to explode. At night I sleep in my bed with a nest my dear husband sets up, my doctor wants me to stretch a little. I am up all night with aches, pains and have a difficult time sleeping on my back. I have spent the last 4 weeks watching "The Little Couple" with Jennifer Arnold, which after I found out she has been DX with cancer. I binged watched it every night!  When its time to get up I need help getting out of bed because I have no ab muscle to pull me up. It is actually a little humbling having your sons help you up, but since I carried them for 9 months and carried them around for years its the least they can do.

That is when the chest starts killing!!! I have had some trouble breathing from the pressure. My chest is still swollen, sorry honey they won't stay this large. Did you know I was DD in my youth?? Yup so I am not new to large breasts. The pain is similar to the mastectomy but for sure more intense and long lasting. I have hard pain in the middle of the toobs which the doc thinks is funny cause that is the one spot he didn’t dig around in. But I feel bruised there for sure. Sometimes the pain is so severe it takes my breath away.










My arms and legs are still numb which is normal. My biceps feel like they had the muscles ripped out leaving me with no strengthen which is fine because lifting or picking anything up is painful. Again normal, they have you retracted and the muscles are starting to wake up and in the words of my doc "are pissed". And do even get me started on plucking my caterpillar eyebrows, I can not lift my arms to do that! Bringing up hair, I now go for laser treatment next week to remove the “fur" (thanks doc for that term) on my toobs! It just keeps going ya know. But you gotta laugh like my friend says, yup all the way to hair removal of the belly hair on the boob. Good thing it isn't butt hair, blahahahah you know who you are.  Those full blooded Italian genes at their finest.

Add constipation to the mix and the stomach is in constant pain. It is bad enough having the pull and pain but a gut ache is not good. Smooth Move tea is not cutting it may need more dramatic steps. Let's just leave it at that. There comes a time for TMI, I think this maybe it.


BUT BUT BUT BUT here is the clincher…. I am so frigging happy mentally ALL of that and I mean ALL of that is doable. I am me again, not the same or the one before but me. I took two back from cancer and I feel strong like bull. I feel confident again. When I look in the mirror and see those patch work, Raggedy Ann, Bride of Frankenstein scars all I see is ME. Maybe not model like body or perfect but me. I feel like me cause they are me, hair and all. They are warm and imperfectly round and just what I needed mentally. I am ready to regain my figure once I get cleared to kill it in the gym and I can not wait to start walking slowly next week!!! Take that cancer.

So the tiara is back on shiny and sparkling, nice and straight, the physically healing is taking shape slowly but nicely and the mentally healing is strong. Which is great because this month marks my 1 year cancer free mark or NED (no evidence of disease) which ever you prefer. That being said its time for blood work and scans. Its time to check 3 swollen lymph nodes and redo an MRI so strength is needed. I want 2014 to be about happy times and getting me back so I will not let these tests drown me, which will be a task as I can not swim. I will also be standing my one of my best friends as she faces stupid dumb breast cancer. I will be standing there showing her that tough times do not last tough, strong, badass people do. And if her princess, pink boa, tiara wearing, stiletto rocking BFF can do it so can a granola, hippie, barefoot, recycled material, organic beautifully strong badass!

I'm bringing me back......Please sing to the tune "I'm bringing sexy back by Justin Timberlake)

What a friggin year?! I mean seriously. I started 2013 with a hysterectomy and ended with a DIEP. Big body reconstruction! Cancer has taken my life in so many directions my head is still spinning, ok it could be the pain killers but still. I would not have had either of those operations if it wasn't for cancer. I am going to use 2014 to get my friggin body back! Tone arms, fit legs and healthy overhaul that's what my plan is, dare I say resolution?? I am usually one to bitch about that word it always seems to be a fail for most.

We all say we are changing for the new year, but does it work? I think we make unrealistic goals for ourselves then get all pissed off when we fail. The gym fills up with people that swear they will exercise most last for a good 2 months then life takes over. Some talk the health food way and kick off the new year with smoothies and juicing, after a few weeks they are done and hit Birger. King Then there is the people that swear they will do community service and one maybe two trips to Sally Ann (Salvation Army for those who don't know) and they think their deeds are done. I know I know there are plenty of people that stick to this and get fit, change their diets and become philanthropist-I say Whoot Whoot for them but I'm talking about the rest of us.

Cancer changed my thinking about life, changes and resolutions. It made me realize that we need to revamp our life daily. Maybe that work out isn't right for you on a day when your body is exhausted and physically can't handle it. Sometimes you just need to put the Vitamixer away and have some home made Mac n' cheese. We have to learn to "let go", it's so difficult. Cancer taught me that you can ask people for help and you have to let them help you. Not just for you but them, everyone needs a job and sometimes that job is pulling drains. Cancer taught me that no matter what giving kindness to your fellow people is major to keeping all things balanced. You don't know what that person in line at Target who is bitching and grumbling is going through so maybe helping them by a simple smiling is all they need.


I want 2014 to be all it can but I know sometimes I just can't do it all (crap not only did I say that but it's in writing!). This DIEP changed me yet again (another new normal!!!). I feel stronger than I ever did before. I feel like I looked at cancer again with my tiara on and my fists up (quoted from my gf Kathy in Cali) and said "I'm getting me back". Cancer takes, takes and takes some more from us. It
takes our pride, our dignity, it takes our smiles and gives us depression, it takes our sleep and leaves un zombie like insomniacs, it takes our confidence and turns it into doubt, it takes our health and makes us hypochondriacs, it takes our sex life and makes us celibate (the dirty bastard),  sometimes our friends and even our spouses are taken away because of cancer, it takes our bodies and attacks it like a beast, it takes our perspective on life and twist and turns it, it even takes a can of "who-hash". Cancer is a greedy bastard just like the Grinch but never has a change of heart no matter how much we sing, dance, wear pink boas or blog. For that reason me taking back my body in 2014 is essential to my battle. I am healing well physically from this major surgery real well, I'm in pain and sore but healing  great. The bigger change is mental, I'm so happy mentally the new me is feeling less depressed. That is an awesome why to stick it to cancer because it loves depression it actually feeds on it.


What will 2014 bring for you? Will you add something to your life or get rid of the trash? Maybe you will choose to make a life altering move or maybe you will choose to simply smile more?! You are not a tree you can move and change, make that first step big or small the choice is up to you. I am all about replanting this year and I will tell ya I kill fake plants so this is going to be a challenge!

Tomorrow I go with my family to start the New Year off with family, friends, food, laughter, yelling, fighting, food, drinking, games, food, napping, food and did I mention food.  I am so excited for this day it's my favorite day if the year. I maybe tried still and a little sore maybe even constipated too but ya know what??? My tiara is on, it's shined and glittery because I'm so proud of this last chapter. I have never been proud of myself until the doctor cut off my implants, ripped opened my stomach then took some tissue and made me a set of two warm, soft toobs that are just me!! And there is only one me afterall.

Human patch work quilt, kind of gross yet amazing at the same time

I have been playing with this blog post in my head, which if you have ever been on 3 different types of pain killers can be a crazy place.  DIEP is no friggin joke people no joke. I have two large incisions on my breasts that are healing nice, 6 new drain hole marks (I hate those god damn mother fucking drains), a new and improved belly button, and a big ass cut from side to side in my pelvic area. Let's break it all down shall we?!

 

The toobs (if you are new here I'm calling them toobs because they are tissue made boobs) are soft, real looking and WARM! No more cold foobs, no more. We will watch the scars for keloids, but we are on top of it now. This is just what I wanted these toobs oh glorious toobs.  I know that this seems so cray cray (as the kids say) to some but to me I just took two parts of me back from cancer! Take that you stupid dumb breast cancer beast.

 

Drains! Why do we hate you so?? Well you are gross tubes coming out of the side of us. When they tug on things we think they will be ripped outta our bodies. They have to be dumped 4 times today, grossssssss! They itch like crazy and by crazy I mean like I am going to go nuts and I can't scratch them. Oh and did I tell you that you have to hang them around your next when you shower?? Again gross. The only thing they are worth is when your kids are screwing up threaten to make them dump those JP Morgan grenades.  Totally works. I won't even go into when they pull them out, the feeling you have oy vey.

 

Someone told me that the DIEP/TRAM is similar to a c-section. Really?? My incision  without exaggerating goes from my butt check bone on the left to the butt check bone on the right. Please tell me how many babies came out that big, you can't cause there are none!!  The other point here is that when giving birth which is amazing does not involve the removing of tissue and muscle to make breasts in a 10 hour surgery, 2 day stay in ICU, 3 more in hospital.   Keep these things in mind when you try you comparisons out on people.

 

The following pictures are very graphic, very. Quote from my husband "Are you going to post those?" I debated but I really feel like they need to be seen. This was 2 days after surgery. I am very very swollen and have gone down a lot since and I mean a lot. And am starting to take shape nicely, I'm looking forward to watching my body heal. It's been through a lot and I'm so happy with this chapter. FYI I am in a lot of pain physically but mentally I feel the healing beginning.

 

 

I will leave you with this story....

I get an email from a sweet chick who my cousin gave my contact to. We chatted back and forth via email. We talked doctors a few times about recon and our upcoming surgery. Wait when is your surgery? Just so happens that my DIEP is Wednesday and Michelle is getting her mastectomy on Friday, on the floor that I will be moved to. Wouldn't it be funny if we met?? At 3ish on Friday I just got out of ICU they said ok let's get you up to me. So I put my wedges on, no just kidding that wasn't happening this time, so I get my sandals on and start walking. I was dizzy, light headed, nausea but I was up and walking. And I was heading to room 5037 the exact room that I had my mastectomy in. MC and my nurse were with me and we saw some people milling around, it was Michelle's family and she was back in her room. Her husband waved me,  I cannot express how happy I was. There is nothing like a breastie hug nothing. We meet in the halls again for another walk but the texting was already outta control by then, I hope she has unlimited!

 

I can never ever explain the feeling of meeting someone with cancer, someone who gets your crazy thoughts, your happy ones, your guilt and your pain. They understand when to give advice, listen or cry. They just get it. The bonds I have made through this are insane. I met Jaime another badass cancer ass kicker, a few weeks ago and if a few days go by without a text I worry. Just today in a simple chat with a breastie left me feeling relieved that someone gets me and what cancer warriors need, she has a great name too (hint it's Anne Marie).  Next week I will be meeting someone that I have been talking to for almost a year. We have shared some private info and some good girl friend chat but most of all we lean on each other. I'm so excited so excited!

 

I'm not ready to rock my tiara but the pink boa is near by.  I am looking forward to getting physically better each day, having my mind heal a little each day and starting 2014 new and improved!

DISCLAIMER this took way longer than I ever thought and trust when I say I didn't write enough, maybe I should try youtube videos were I talk!!!!

 

 

Hahah stupid dumb breast cancer I got two pieces of me back, sucka!

Cookies for the hospital staff and shoes for me!

The surgery was a success! Ohhhhhh yeah. I have soft toobs (tissue boobs), I am so so happy. Drugged and in pain but satisfied. I came into the hospital with some badass wedges with lots of sparkle and try full of Italian cookies for the staff Yes  I used bribery even brought another tray for the ICU staff. OPPS did however forget my posse in the waiting room where they waited for 10 hours. They all know where the cookies are. 

Back to the toobies, I have the bestest plastic surgeon on the planet and his side kick amazaboobs. They did a great job and can't wait to show my breasties when they heal. The doctors took two. Swollen lymph nodes which were benign, bam! The entire staff is wonderful, I Mean really wonderful. They are smart, sarcastic and attending to my every whim which can be a little crazy. 

Thanks so much for all your love, support tweets, FB and Instagram comments. I can very drugged up  and trying to respond when I can. 

I just. Have to say this... Hahahahaahahahahahahaha cancer I for two pieces of me back! Sucker!! My tiara is shined and boa is fluffed but for now it's nap time!