I guess part of why I have not written in so long is because there is too much in my head. Scary right? 2020 has been a royal pain in the ever loving ass. There are so many things we lost this year and I do not just mean the deaths we are grieving. The isolation, the fear, missing our family and friends are all giving us so much grief. Grief many do not know how to handle or what to do with that feeling. Let me be the first to tell you that it is ok to be pissed you can not do the things you normally do. To be angry you lost your job. You can be annoyed, you can not get your nails or hair done. For sure you can be sad that you can not have cousins night after Christmas like you normally do. It is ok to really miss those who are in the next town but you can not see. It is all ok to feel that way all while being Covid smart. This is not about me telling you to get tested or quarantine or wear your mask. I am reminding you that you can have feelings around all of this. I am reminding you because I have been a mess this year and I need the reminder too. I did not organize shit nor did I clean any closet out. My kids are struggling in school (not the college ones but they sure missed out on their running) but I have made a conscious decision to focus on what they need mentally. To be really honest we are closer than ever but that does not mean they have not suffered this year.
My Aunt died in May not from Covid but in a way Covid because we could not go see her as she declined. We got on Facetime while we said goodbye to her in her room and sang her song to her. How is this a way to send someone so amazing off? It is not! I was so angry when she died because I needed my family to grieve with, actually we were all angry. We all needed each other. We sat in our cars in the parking lot of the church as my 8 cousins went in to say goodbye because that was all that was allowed. Sat in that car and sobbed with my other cousins in cars with me in a row. Our hearts crushed as our beautiful Mimi was gone and we were not together. We sat, cried and sang her song “You are my sunshine” and prayed hard for some sun on such a gloomy year. Sure enough a week later a fantastic baby was born. Only to have us not be able to celebrate him the way we all wanted to. Talk about bittersweet. Talk about grief.
I got great news in the beginning of the year before the shit storm, I was NED- no evidence of disease. It was so great to have some light in the darkness. My doctor let me come off some meds and my MS was really under control. My personal life was changing (another post another time) which was both good for me and difficult all rolled into one. There was grief beyond words but luckily I am blessed with such amazing family and friends it was something I could get through. I was learning about myself more than I ever did in my life. I was facing some real hard emotions and using the word accept more and more.
My cousins are my best friends. They have been there for me at all hours with cheese, cards and a lot of sarcasm. My friends are really my family-those are just the facts. They reminded me to lean on them and they will support me no matter what. They opened their doors to take care of me, to let me cry and to tell me to shut my mouth. Everything I needed. My people reminded me of who I am and I remembered I actually like her. What would you miss was really becoming something bigger than I ever thought and in all fairness I needed it the most. I started paying attention more to my own triggers and how I could cope with them. Just what I needed as I went for tests at the end of this year and was smacked with some crappy news (another post for another time). Throw in a few cousins- one of which my godmother, being diagnosed with cancer and I really want to kiss 2020 goodbye! And to be real and authentically me, I wanted many times to give up. Depression, anxiety and a lot of PTSD was in overdrive. Many times I was very scared yet at the same time thankful I was reaching out. I found many things I would miss and a lot of the time it was just that feeling of knowing I got through the hardest of my days because of me.
I could throw a bunch of quotes here and what they mean to me but I am sick of all those. I don't really want to read another “it's ok to not be ok” post, I need more than that. I need to see something I can hold onto. I needed something to really ground me. So it is a story I will leave you with. I was sent a picture on Christmas morning from my best friend’s kids. This beautiful bright eyed baby of 13 months named Charlotte with no cares and no worries in pure bliss. She was simply unwrapping some very small gifts. A toy or two, an outfit, a box with tissue in it, maybe some onesies but not much. Her parents commented “Charlotte is having the time of her life”. She is loved not just by her parents but aunt, uncle, grandparents, great-aunt and uncles, friends and me. This child is proof that with the smallest things we can find some sort of happiness. There is beauty and peace in something so small we just forget to look. It does not matter what is going on in the world when you close the door, your heart can be right in that room. This small little human is showing us that we need very few things, we just need to be safe and loved. Her name means free, ironic? I do not think so. I think she is the true symbol that you can be free to find happiness, free to find peace, free to let love in you just have to accept that it may come in a tissue box. These were the images I needed because I have had a hard time being free to let all those in my life. Charlotte reminded me to accept that small box, find the beauty in it, let myself love it and give myself some peace in what could be filled in it. I do not think Charlotte’s parents understood what I saw in those pictures or how I needed them. I got those pictures when I was really having a very hard morning but she reminded me it is not about the big things it is the smallest things that give us hope. She found all she needed Christmas morning and it was not the presents that gave her the time of her life, it was the love she has. A few of those gifts were from me, what that baby gave me without knowing it was a little hope. The best gift I could ask for right now.
Now I just need to get her a tiara because I know she is royalty.
