Shoes, attitude shoes

Stilettos before a mastectomy, please?! Some very rude woman sent me a private message saying "You are dumb to worry about shoes you should worry about cancer".  Yet she never asked me why I did. Just made some judgmental comment knowing absolutely nothing about me and my reasons. And it dawned on me had I ever explained why, mind you I do not need to but I think maybe just to be a nice pink princess I will. The reality is we are so quick to judge how someone handles a situation when it its how we would we do not think that maybe they needed it to be that way. Maybe just maybe those stilettos helped, well yes they did!

Glinda the Good Witch- “You had the power all long”

Glinda the Good Witch- “You had the power all long”


I will start with the pink sparkly ones that I strutted into my mastectomy with. I am all of 4 feet 11 inches and have no choice but to wear heels. If I do not I am a midget, no really I am a legal one in some states. My BFF is significantly taller than I so whenever we are together I make sure I wear heels. Her daughter has forever loved to come over and find her way to my closet and try on my shoes. There was a time when my shoes were too big for her since then I have taken her hand me downs gladly! What is it about putting on a pair of stilettos that makes you feel so WOW?? I saw it every time Riley would rock my shoes, but I would feel it when I put them on. Something comes over you. When I wear heels I feel strong, powerful and full of attitude. Riley saw these shoes and decided I needed them for my surgery. How brilliant is this child at 12?? After a pedi (yes before my surgeries I always get a pedi) I opened the box. I looked at Riley and Nikki and  said "I am wearing these into surgery. Cancer can take a lot but not my sparkle.". They both squealed with delight because they were hoping I would say that. These shoes gave me attitude and I wanted as much attitude as I could get.

I think about how when you go for your prom dress, wedding gown or any party attire when you try on the shoes they make the outfit because they give it the attitude. Now let's admit that hospital gown needs some bling for sure. The shoes with that gown changed the mood. Everyone would walk in and stop and SMILE. I was dubbed "the Diva in heels" and I was completely fine with that. They all wanted to see if I could walk in them which cracked me up and kept me laughing which is the best medicine. Now I am not saying this was a light subject no way was a mastectomy, swap, hysterectomy, and DIEP easy or light. But I needed to be calm and laughing, smiling and having power was how I was going to handle it. This was the way I choose to deal with my process, this is after all my story of stupid dumb breast cancer not yours, isn't it? So why really does anyone care if I wear heels, if someone sings and dances, if someone cries or if someone silently goes down to surgery? We are all so different I do not expect anyone to fill my shoes must least wear them!

Strong women wear their pain like stilettos. No matter how much it hurts, all you see is the beauty of it.

Strong women wear their pain like stilettos. No matter how much it hurts, all you see is the beauty of it.

Sometimes those stilettos sat at the end of the bed because I physically could not put them on. The pain, the medication, the surgery were all taking over. But they were never far from reach always there to remind me that there was strength in a shoe, in me. The pink ribbon is fine for some but a stiletto now that is power. See sometimes I didn't wear them I just needed to see them to make me see that I could still sparkle with power and all the attitude I needed to over come the beast that lurked inside of me! I wanted to be reminded that somehow I was going to still be able to walk in those again even if at that moment I could not.

“A woman and her shoes… it’s a beautiful thing.”

“A woman and her shoes… it’s a beautiful thing.”

I did however send a pair of shoes to two of my sweet darling friends who were in their teens. Jackie who battled cancer and called them here chemo heels and guess what they did for her?? They made her SMILE!!! She even wore them to prom. Did they stop her chemo for making her ill or make it less scary? No way but for a moment they brought her just the smile she needed.  The other darling was my ray of sunshine Lola, who has taken wings. Lola could not walk in the heels she was too weak but they still made her laugh and bright a glimmer of life to her that day. Those crazy ass heels did not cure Lola's cancer they did not stop it from spreading but they made her laugh, loud and carefree. Her mother was grateful for those heels that day when Lola played in that beautiful moment.  For those moments a pair of shoes have become a beautiful thing at a dark time.  

“You put high heels on and you change.”- Manolo Blahnik

“You put high heels on and you change.”- Manolo Blahnik

When I wore those sparkly pink stilettoes I felt powerful like there was no stopping me. I wanted them on my feet hours after surgery which gave the nurses and my father a mild heart attack. My father actually cut off my blood flow because he was scared to let go of me, shhhhh do not tell him but if he did I would have let go I would have fallen. Here is a secret even though I put those heels on and walked to the door to prove that I could I needed my daddy to hold me. Which was ok, it was better than ok. It was what we both needed at that point. I felt strong and he felt needed. See cancer doesn't just effect the person who has it but it effects every person that loves them and I have this big ass ever loving family. They needed those shoes just as much as I did. The stilettos gave them something to think about, focus on, laugh at and bitch about. To see me wearing them reminded them that I was still their princess and I was going to pull through this stupid dumb breast cancer.  Yes a changed version but sparkly tiara wearing me.

Give a girl the right shoes, and she can conquer the world.Marilyn Monroe

Give a girl the right shoes, and she can conquer the world.

Marilyn Monroe


So next time you judge someone for wearing stilettos to their mastectomy, chemo or grocery story shut your friggin mouth! How someone deals with their  life is about them and has nothing to do with you. Maybe just smile and clap your hands as they go by. Only a true princess can wear 6 inch stilettos and never once let her tiara tip.

Posted on April 16, 2014 by Ann marie Otis and tagged stiletos breast cancer stupid dumb breast cancer mastectomy.

Guilt

I was raised Catholic, I am reformed now but the guilt doesn't go away. You know that Catholic guilt or maybe you know the Jewish guilt let's call it religious guilt as to not offend. The type where you feel guilty before you even do something wrong. Damn sins! You have to explain yourself because you feel so bad about whatever the issue is. You are basically guilted into doing something because you have to not because you want to. Most of this guilt is in your head but majority was infected on you by Sister Mary Theresa Josephina while you clapped erasers outside the rectory. I am also full blooded Italian which adds a layer of guilt as well. I know there is Irish guilt but I am not even an ounce of Irish so don't start. Italian guilt is feeling bad that you only made baked ziti, roasted vegetables, meatballs, minestrone soup, chicken cutlets and salad for Sunday dinner and never  did get the cookies made you said you would plus you used rigatonis instead of ziti in the baked ziti! What is screwed up here is your family adds to your guilt by their little comments. Guilt sucks!

Then there is survivor's guilt. I have lived through all the above and I can laugh that  off but this is no joke. I want so desperately to be happy that am approaching with caution my 2 year mark. I want to smile and whisper "I kicked cancer's stupid dumb ass" (I don't want to yell it I may jinx it). But I am so scared. How did I dodge that bullet??? Why do I deserve to live?? I sure have had my share of "karma's coming for me" moments. So I would get it if I was faced with some of the serious treatments my cancer family is. I am not any better than anyone else who has taken wings. My very good friend is embarking on a reoccurrence while I just have to go to Target today, I feel so guilty sitting there across from her. The fact that my  breastie was told that with everything else she has to deal with Stage IV being top of the list now she has lymphedema to deal with when, I feel guilty that I dodged the bullet when she got the cannon.  Even when my very bestest friend who I grew up with got breast cancer a few months ago I felt guilty. I didn't want her to go through this at all I wanted to take it from her and I would have if I could.  Maybe part if the guilt is because we have seen so much we know what is going to happen. I am so mad that my friend went through chemo that wrecked her body only to be told it didn't work and the cancer is back, I feel guilty that I am here doing ok. How is it her, them and not me?? I feel bad, which seems dumb to say but I think you get it, right? It is more than just those three words.

Then the whammy  of survivor guilt the one that makes me cry so hard, guilt that makes my head hurt and wakes me up at night. It happens when I think of my sweet Jenny, when Jen died, my beautiful Kim, Cindy, Olga, Lola and Talia, and Nancy and oh how I miss you my Marian. So many others so many. Why I am I here typing away while you are all flying high? How is that fair?? It isn't! I do not want the "everything happens for a reason bullshit". Shit happens, good and bad, sometimes for no reason I believe that. FUCK CANCER!

I want to be happy to be alive yet I feel so sad that my friends are in real pain. Pain that I not only understand but that can literally be me-I get them. At the next appointment, that could be me. I am guilty to be grateful for now it is not me but I know that could change in a blink. I am happy that I am at this point but guilty that I am happy. Then I am sad that I am losing so many friends and I feel guilty that I am still here. I mad that my friends are living with cancer and they will never be cancer free then the guilt sets in that as if now I am. I am exhausted from this today.

Let me tell you this. Being this guilty is very, very difficult when you want to keep your tiara on!!

Posted on April 3, 2014 by Ann marie Otis.

Could it be eyelash cancer?

So my eyelash is really bad, I mean BAD! It has been bugging me for awhile now and I am just so scared to address it. It is significantly longer than the rest and rather misshapen. I feel like it is causing my eye pain and its so itchy. I asked Tom to please look at it, he blew in it and said it was just dust. UGH no it isn't. I swear there is something more. I know it is eyelash cancer, I just know it. OMG what if they have to take all the lashes, I have great lashes. ANOTHER surgery, chemo?? How do they do radiation on your eyelashes?? Will I go blind? Will I be able to drive?  Although I do hear that eyelash cancer is the easiest or is it the hardest I forget.  For the 100x I ask him to please look again. He freaks and tells me it must come out "NOW" and pulls it, the ass.

 

Told ya it was bad 

Told ya it was bad

 

While the above it a joke the reality is in there. After the friends leave with their casserole dishes, the family goes home with their mops and you try to find a "new normal" you have a certain paranoia over head. Like you are standing under the ball at Times Square on New Year's waiting for it to drop, ON YOU. You feel every ache different than before, every mark on your body is some sort of made up or real cancer and you have to find a way to balance being that crazy cupcake cancer person to being a responsible healthy chick. The truth is we do not know if cancer will come back and I will tell you that living in this world I see it too much but I do not want every ache to be eyelash cancer. Yet at the same time between the doctor appointments, blood work, scans and aches how do we not?? Is there really a balance??  I know for a fact that a headache is just a headache and sometimes means nothing. I know that sometimes i just have a back ache. I know that sometimes it is just scar tissue buildup and not a lump. I know that sometimes it is my lymphedema acting up. I know that sometimes it is just my husband leaving all the cupboards open just to make me think I am going nuts. But sometimes I think the cancer has spread to my brain, that it is in my bones or back in my breast or that I have lost my mind (shut it I know I still have a brain I had an MRI!!). Having cancer isn't like having the flu and being stuck in bed for a few weeks and regaining strength to recover. It is mind altering, body changing, life threatening.  It shakes and rattles you and not in a rock n' roll way. You have to find a way to push these new fears aside live this life you have. How do we do that to live through our fears??? I guess the only way to do that is to put life in our life. So screw the cupcake cancer (no joke my breastie may have this so don't laugh, ahahah), the eyelash cancer can bite me, the toenail cancer can have my sweaty feet I am going to get on my life on. Right after my doctor appointment next week and I wait for the results after that OY VEY!!


FYI-I just know that I am doing everything I can to keep tiara cancer at bay, just saying!

Posted on March 26, 2014 by Ann marie Otis and tagged breast cancer stupid dumb breast cancer surgery cancer.

www.stupiddumbbreastcancer.com A new Chapter!!

I never thought this blog would get as much traffic as it has. I never thought it would be worldwide. I never thought anyone would read it other than my family. But it has!!

Stupid dumb breast cancer

has evolved!! And now thanks to my awesome cousin I have new website. Everything is there and it is amazaboobs. So as much as blogger has been fun it is now time to open the next chapter.

http://www.stupiddumbbreastcancer.com/

 is where its at, check it! I am proud and honored to have this next step and even happier I did it with my cousin Michelle Giannino. Do not worry the tiara is still shinning!

Posted on March 6, 2014 by Ann marie Otis.

i wuv u birfday boy


It is not perfect love but its our love. Grammar mistakes, annoying kids, cupboards open, recycling over flowing, loud ass Italian family, stupid dumb breast cancer LOVE. Happy birthday professor, I am forever your princess.....


"That's Amore"
(In Napoli where love is king
When boy meets girl here's what they say)

When the moon hits you eye like a big pizza pie
That's amore
When the world seems to shine like you've had too much wine
That's amore
Bells will ring ting-a-ling-a-ling, ting-a-ling-a-ling
And you'll sing "Vita bella"
Hearts will play tippy-tippy-tay, tippy-tippy-tay
Like a gay tarantella

When the stars make you drool just like a pasta fazool
That's amore
When you dance down the street with a cloud at your feet
You're in love
When you walk down in a dream but you know you're not
Dreaming signore
Scuzza me, but you see, back in old Napoli
That's amore

(When the moon hits you eye like a big pizza pie
That's amore
When the world seems to shine like you've had too much wine
That's amore
Bells will ring ting-a-ling-a-ling, ting-a-ling-a-ling
And you'll sing "Vita bella"
Hearts will play tippy-tippy-tay, tippy-tippy-tay
Like a gay tarantella

When the stars make you drool just like a pasta fazool)
That's amore
(When you dance down the street with a cloud at your feet
You're in love
When you walk down in a dream but you know you're not
Dreaming signore
Scuzza me, but you see, back in old Napoli)
That's amore
Lucky fella

When the stars make you drool just like a pasta fazool)
That's amore
(When you dance down the street with a cloud at your feet
You're in love
When you walk down in a dream but you know you're not
Dreaming signore
Scuzza me, but you see, back in old Napoli)
That's amore, (amore)
That's amore
Posted on February 28, 2014 by Ann marie Otis.

Man of Steel and tears turns 70-something

pa beach

swag in the dictionary

You know when you were a kid and you complained that your parents drove you nuts. Always yelling and telling you what to do?? Yeah I never had that issue. I had the cool dad, like he was the definition of swag. Some can say that my dad was a bad parent because he was our friend, our shopping buddy (seriously the dude can shop still to this day!!), he had the house we hung out at because he turned looked the other way, our dancing dad-the man can move or maybe because he just wasn’t like them. When my dad was born he mother did not really want another kid much less a boy, true story she even told me that. With this over his head he set out to be the rebel in the family. He wore his hair slicked, peg jeans and rove fast cars. Where his siblings were responsible, college bond people my dad was drag racing! So that alone set him apart from anyone. I think the other parents were jealous of his badass ways, our friends all agreed we had the coolest, slickest dad evah.

 

Mr. and Mrs. Giannino

He met my mother and that was that head over heels, love everlasting, true love. That only ended with heart break when in 1973. Just when this young man name Al and his wife Judy and three children Albie 10, Lori-Ann 9 and Ann Marie the princess 1 should have been a regular suburban family my mother, his wife was stolen from him. That being the life he was dealt it was then my father’s job to be the dad, the mom and find some sort of way to heal is broken heart while raising this family. Yes, his friends and family jumped together to help but when they left, the kids were in bed and the house was quiet he would cry.  Do not judge my father for crying over the loss of his ideal life that was ripped from him. Men can cry and be strong.  It was his release he did that so could let the pain out. He then did what any, no that isn’t true at all-that is again why he is different. He did what he believed the only thing was to do and that was to love us unconditionally by himself with no one else to parent with him. He did not remarry when we were young not because of lack of girls, my pops is a stud! But because not only could he think of “replacing” Judy but he would never try to bring a mother to us that wasn’t our momma. My father amongst all things good and bad is the most selfless father around that would never make him a bad parent it makes him the best father ever. All he knew was how to be him and that meant pure, real love and yes being our friend was part of that. No matter how many crashed cars, boyfriends chased out of the house, divorces, marijuana smoked, drunken nights, sneaking out of the house or fists fights (my brother was a mess, see I can say that cause he never reads this!) he loved us and supported us the best way he could, his way.

 

 

The most important people in his life

The one thing my father is for sure is an emotional man (my sister gets that from him hands down two of the biggest criers I know). I do not think the man will ever stop crying, he has way to much love to give-those tears are mostly love and happiness now. I know that more than anything he loves me the princess daughter, my emotional basket case sister, my obnoxious brother, the prodigal-runner grandchild, the stunningly-smart granddaughter, the semi-princess always gets her way granddaughter, the intensely high anxiety grandson, the fabulous fun granddaughter, the sports man smiling grandson, the wiseass grinning grandson and the snuggling eye spy grandson with all he has every last bit he has in him. I also know that he has come to realize that he may still love Judy with his heart but in that heart is a space for his compassionate, caring loving fiancé. You see my father’s greatest birthday gift is waking up next to Deb who through all his heart ache and tears, dancing and shopping she loves him and this crazy group we call family! Truly making him the luckiest birthday Pa around.


See that smile?? That is happy

  Happy birthday to the most emotionally strong, big ass baby, selfless man, taxi driver, awesome grandfather, clothes hoarder, dancing king, loving father that were to ever walk the earth! I love you even though you call me 100 times a day asking me the same thing over and over and send texts that take me days to decipher. You are my daddy and I will always be your princess and biggest fan. Thanks for always keeping my tiara shinny…

My king

Posted on February 13, 2014 by Ann marie Otis.

The making of a princess

Tomorrow is the day that my mother drove around the block 3 times making my dad nuts, then into the hospital to push me out like she was a pro. My father barely got into the waiting room before they called him to say “It’s a GIRL”. I remember it like it was yesterday, no just kidding my dad loves to tell it. My brother loves to say how pissed I was a girl while my sister was so happy equaling yet another fight between them. The day of your birth is so significant yet it has taken me years to really feel good about it. A good breastie and I were taking about why I do not talk about my mom’s death here and I said it was because it has nothing to do with cancer. She told me I was wrong (she does love telling me that), that her death has shaped me into how I am and how I took on cancer. And shit she is right, that damn downstate girl! There is 9 years between my sister and 10 between my brother and I so while I may have been an opps baby I know there was a miscarriage between the siblings and me which means I was their hope for a baby. That being said I can image how happy they were to have a real princess born. My first birthday must have been a celebration, just wish I could remember. It was days after that my family was hurt with the most devastating, life changing event.

I always hated the term “I lost my mother” I didn’t lose her at all she was taken. Although as a child I would pretend she had amnesia and was living in Solvay and I would run into her and she would see me and all her memory would come back. Guess Grandma Jennie should have eased up on the “General Hospital”. I have a friend that died from drugs, a friend that died from a boating accident, an uncle that died from bad health and 2 grandmothers that died from age related deaths. While those were all hard to deal with they are life lessons that I could with time understand. But there is no explanation for evil.

 I always hate when people ask “how did your mom die” because they expect car accident or cancer something “easy” (this is sarcasm there is no easy death). I hate it because the look on their face after I tell them is so intense and they feel so bad. I have found that blurting it out seems the best way. My mother was murdered, taken from us by an evil man. Literally kidnapped, rapped and thrown away like trash. There is never an easy way to say that, never. There is not enough therapy in the world to help my family get “over” this. We will never get over it, we just get through it. I will never believe that everything happens for a reason that is bull shit to me. I do not believe that god had a plan for us because this was evil there is no plan for evil. I have no room for humor here and find no joke in this. It is the one thing in my life I will never be able to laugh at. What I do believe is that how we get back up after we fall defines us. And trust as a one year old this was like falling down 100 flights of stairs. I will not speak for my father, sister and brother as they had to see this daily while volunteers searched through cold waters for days to find her. This was 1973 and these things did not happen or better yet our media didn’t talk about it. So it was in fact in the paper 2 times a day while being broadcast on the TV all the time. I think their pain is obvious and that is their stories not mine. But please do not think they ever got over this, ever. Hurt this deep shapes us into who we are that compiled with our genes makes us the people we become. It makes or breaks us and that is just a fact.

I do however believe that we are all part of the nature/nurture effect, you know psych 101. I was raised in the most loving home where my siblings fought over me and who loves me more. Where my father, grandparents, godmother, cousins and family friends treated me like a princess. That was the best way to nurture a child whose mother was stolen from her. However, there is no one in that group that was a hard ass, tough, smart mouthed, strong willed person because that was my mother. She was the one who organized Sunday dinners, smacked my siblings with a wooden spoon (she was so cool), gave her piece of mind and was strong yet loving at the same time. I became her through nature, I got those genes. Had she been able to live her life I think we would have butted heads A LOT. It was her way or the highway and you did not by any mean mess with her. I know that I am her because every single person in our family and her friends tells me so and every time they do I get strength from that. So while this part of my life isn’t about cancer it without a doubt has been why I choose to deal with it this way.

My mother was a community leader and that is something I am so proud to have inherited. I did not know her or how she handled herself, so I could not learn through actions. This is just who I am my mother’s child. Had she been her to hold my hand well I refuse to go there because she wasn’t. What I can do is feel her angel wings flutter by my side hovering ever so close (ok that part made me cry). Now I have no idea if she loved glitter or stilettos (she was way tall and my father is way short so I am guessing not) or even if she would love a tiara. That’s ok by me cause after all there really can only be one sparkly princess in the family and I am gladly taken that role.

Posted on January 30, 2014 by Ann marie Otis.

CURE DIVA

I hate saying that cancer gave me this opportunity because I don’t want anything from cancer. The truth is life is what gives you chances. Your kids, family, friends all help to evolve you from those things that life throws at you. Cancer just happens to be part of my life as well as so many. I met this beautifully strong woman named Efrat via social media. We tweeted, emailed and became fast friends. See she lives in Israel, which may sound corny but I think that is so cool. Efrat wanted to actually talk so through the modern technology we Skyped. It was crazy cool! I felt like she was right here not because the connection was great but because we bonded straight away. She told me all about

Cure Diva

and what it meant to her, what she wanted from it and how she wanted it to help others. The whole time she chatted I thought “this is what I want”. Then she asked me to join and be part of the team. I was overwhelmed with excitement. I thought great I will play on the site. Then Ester contacted me and asked to talk, again in Israel so cool!! We talked and I felt right away an amazing friendship growing. After a few emails asking questions she said she would write a proposal. WAIT….does she mean J O B!? Low and behold she did and I quickly accepted. My family was proud and excited. Julian started to cry “Mommy don’t go to work in Israel”, no honey from home!! I am thrilled not just for this get opportunity but because I believe so much in this page. The page is partnered with

Breast Cancer

.org which gives immense help throughout the breast cancer process. BUT what Cure Diva does is helps us to stay in tune with our inner (or outer) DIVA. Cancer without a doubt screws with our feelings about being a fashionable woman, trust me I have been wearing sweats, leggings and yoga pants for 6 weeks!! Let’s face it fashion is important and it’s so hard to find the right bra or cami during your surgery or treatment time. Cure Diva is there for you. My gorgeous friend Efrat has asked

Giuliana

Rancic to be a diva as well. Tell me who knows fashion better??

Glamour

mag featured the partnership in an article. I am so honored to be among these strong women who understand that cancer takes so much; we need a space for us to get our style back!!

my fabu friends!!!

The page gives advice about treatment, DX, treatment, products and surgery. That is where I come into play. I will be the “Guardian of Surgery” because well, ya know I have had a few. I could not be happier to be reaching out to women as they embark on their cancer road. I did after all go to school for psychology, granted it was forensics but we don’t need to be technical. There is so much more to having a surgery than just the operation itself. The emotional and physical toll plays hard into effect; I will be on Cure Diva helping those with this road! Please check the page and share it. It really is a great place for us to meet, chat, get help and find the products we need to get us through this thing we call cancer. The only thing missing from the site is a tiara section. Knowing my breastie Efrat she is saving that for me!

shop and tell them SDBC sent you

Posted on January 28, 2014 by Ann marie Otis and tagged breast cancer stupid dumb breast cancer cure diva efrat roman giulana rancic.

RESPECT a lesson in it

This post has been long in the making. Many of you know that Facebook has decided that mastectomy pics are too offensive and sexual to post. I had a rant with someone as to why we put these images out there. So I am feeling the need to really explain it which is bullshit because I have explain to the fools a million times. For the record I do not seek fame or glory for posting these images. I personally find it therapeutic to post about what I have gone through. It does empower me to see that others are gaining strength from me. For some stupid dumb reason people and I do include FACEBOOK here just does not see that.  In case you missed it lets start at the beginning.....

When you are DX you get scared, really scared. Not the omg there's a monster in the closet but the holy shit balls what the hell is going to happen to my body, health and LIFE!! Your doc gives you the info sometimes in a neat little pamphlet with a smiling woman on the front. BULL SHIT!!! So what you do is Google, yup good ole doctor Google. You want to see what you will look like after a lumpectomy, see I started with that. My nipple was scabbed and destroyed, no one told me that. Nor did I know what the hell it was going to really feel like, you maybe sore is an understatement and hearing it from a triage nurse that never experienced it is not comforting. COMFORT is why images like this which leads us to those who went through it.

after the lumpectomy

You look to see what your chest will look like after the doctors remove the cancer that is trying to eliminate you. You want to really see what the hell is going to happen not a drawn picture of drains. What will you look like after they cut your breasts off and replace them with tissues expanders?? What the hell is a tissue expander going to do? Finding those images takes away some just some of the scary crap that is entering that head. So images like this not only take that out but give you

HOPE

that you will be OK, maybe not right away.

the first time I saw what was under the wrapping, drains and all

 You want to know how is THAT going to ever heal?? How will I be me? Will I ever be a woman again? So you search for images to bring you

PEACE

of mind. You try to find something to show you that you will regain your body in some sort of new way. You need to see that there will be healing. That through the pain and the change you will at some point heal.

healing from expanders

healing from impants

healing after the painful DIEP

You get scared that you can not do this. This is not what you have the strength for. But looking at these makes you see that if someone just like you can do this then maybe are

STRONG

enough. Maybe just maybe you will be able to face cancer because you can see the pain, the healing and the strength in these images. You see it so it is believable. And your friends can help you see that through a picture.

my girlfriends reminding me I am STRONG

You then search for support, cause you are going to need to hear from people that actually get it. You find blogs, Instragms, FACEBOOOK and twitter to be a great outlets. You find others that are going through what you are. You find others that need to see the whole process see through someone else's body. Connecting and reaching out to those in their cancer journey and seeing that you are

NOT ALONE

is the main reason I do this. Because the friends, no the family we have made is what gets us through. We have an immediate connection because of what we have been faced with.

some of my "cancer family" that I have hugged

And guess what fools its because we searched CANCER not porn.

Its all about the sex to the masses that do not get it. Their narrow minds can not take the sex out because there are breasts involved which tells me that we are no farther than we were 50 years ago. Not one of us feels sexual about any of this (TMI but more like lack of). We chose to promote twerking, Save the tatas (instead of save the WOMAN), go braless for breast cancer (what the actual fuck) and

breast popping out of shirts

. Go ahead click it. YUP that is ok on FACEBOOK but these has been removed, reported and flagged about 20 times. Go frigging figure. I would love some help telling FB where it can shove that video and the disgusting comments that followed. Thanks to a breastie for sending me that.

tough times yes, but tough people stronger

my husband showing me love, kindness and support

I ask you PLEASE, if you do not approve then leave, you know no one is making you read this. I really do not care if you do not want to.  Is it at all possible to have the common curiosity to respect what we are trying to do. R E S P E C T, just like the queen sang it. We all deserve respect which we 

have earned to go about this how we see fit.  There is no wrong or right way to deal with your DX some choose to quietly deal with their BFFs. Some choose to tweet to get comfort, peace, support, and strength from those following them.

Lisa Adams

was told she was wrong for doing this

by two journalist. Who are they to comment, critique her in any way. They should not even comment on the shoes she wears (I have never seen her shoes but they are her shoes ya know). I ask you for the 100 time do not judge anyone's cancer story you are not the cancer judge there is no friggin such thing.

 Cancer of any beast can not just be wrapped up in a smiling, ribbon. Trust me I do my best to smile, laugh and rock a pink boa but unless you understand all the above the ribbon means NOTHING. Look I do not ask anyone to wear a pink boa, stilettos and a shiny tiara because that is me. Plus they may hate pink and I RESPECT that, are you seeing a pattern here.

And trust when I say if you try to be me you never fill my stilettos, ever. That tiara fits one head and that is mine!

Posted on January 16, 2014 by Ann marie Otis.