I don’t really talk about my mom’s death very much. I guess mostly because my family still has so much grief around it. There was no real processing of it back then or learning how to handle your grief. It was all about making it through the day and survival but not what you were really feeling. For me it’s so intense sometimes I can’t contain my tears. What the reality of her death has meant to me and how real my grief is on a day-to-day basis is something I struggle with. If I could get over it I would.
It’s funny because recently I was with a friend and somebody asked about my family. I think they were referring to my mother and father but I was trying to divert the conversation. Nothing like a buzzkill when you say your mother was raped and murdered. People don’t know how to react they really. They think I am going to say Cancer of course then when they hear it out loud it’s a shock. For me I felt like I watched a movie but do not remember. You know the one you swear you know it and you watch it and at the end you say “ oh my God I remember this movie”. I have felt like that about my mother's death like I know what happened as I’ve read about it, people told me but I never actually lived it. I guess I’m sort of glad I haven’t. I see what it’s done to my family from them seeing it. It doesn’t lessen my darkness just is different. When you have grief and tragedy start your life at one years old is incredibly impactful. It shaped and defined me-it’s made me who I am. I have before how I was that person that the family turn to because hell they needed something to laugh at. And that became my role my job and my family to comfort everybody. Don’t think they meant to do it it’s just what happened. Man that’s some pressure that I don’t think I can ever really explain. So I buried my grief for years so that I could comfort them. I needed to mourn my loss too though. If I could just be that girl I would.
As hard as it is to understand my birthday is the hardest day for me. You see she was taken just days after. So here my family had this party to celebrate their baby’s first birthday with food and laughing but I have no memory of it. They all can think even a little about it something so small and remember that day. I have nothing. It’s supposed to me joyous but it’s surrounded by pain. Don’t get me wrong they all do an amazing job of trying to make my birthday grand but the truth is I see what’s going through their eyes. The dread of the days to come. Trying to enjoy something to only be followed by pain is exhausting. Dates have a way of setting off your emotions. If I could just snap out of it I would.
I think about my birthday starting January 1st. I try to say “this one will be different “ but my tears take over. I never got to see how my mother would have done my party. Ribbons in my hair and party dresses were stolen from me. Maybe that’s why I make such a big deal of the kids birthdays. It’s not that I want to forget my birthday I just want to not feel such pain. I am not sure how to do that. Trust me neither does my therapist. Hard when your trigger is your birthday. If I could forget I would.
There are no pictures to “remember” the party I go by hearsay. I have conjured up the day in my head but I don’t feel anything. Like a story I have written but the characters are made up. Your mother is supposed to be there for all those birthdays and celebrations it makes me so angry it was stolen from me. Mothers are irreplaceable the hole in your heart can’t be filled. If I could fill that hole I would.
I bought my best friend a picture of his mom holding him. He loved it which made me so happy. Then the reactions his siblings had to it made it clear how much a photo can mean. Especially one of your mom when she is gone. The feelings, the smells, what the room was like are all embraced in a photo. How I wish I had more than two pictures of her with me. I am jealous of those who have them with her, I can’t even look at them. When was the last time you took a pic with your kid? Or your mom? If I could I would.
Since grief has no timeline, it doesn’t have rules either. This is how I try to cope with all the thoughts in my head. I started this blog post because I wanted to explain why I grieve so deeply at my birthday. I realize it’s not about that it’s really just about missing my mother. At 48 I just miss her. If I could just straighten my tiara and embrace the day I would.
