One Lump a plenty

I hate dates they are dumb reminders of shit that stress us out. Seriously think about-anniversary, birthdays, secretary day if you forget people get all offended you forgot. Then you have days that people die who the hell wants to remember that! Then when you get "the cancers" you get a whole boat load of dates. The day you found it, the day they told you, your surgery, treatment dates, when you are deemed cancer free OY too much. The only date that sits with me is the day I found that lumpy bastard. See I have lumpy breasts and this was "normal" to find a lump but this one was different and I knew it. my world changed that day.

Right before that dreaded lump discovery I had pulled myself up from 2 years of severe depression. I am talking BAD. I was just seeing the light shining and feeling good and this lump appeared with black nasty oozing out of it. Or did the depression bring that tumor on, hmmmmm oh that is another blog post let's stay on the topic. When you find that lump that is so different than all the others you can feel your world change, a shift in the atmosphere. At fist Tom thought and said "oh AM here you go" then he felt it and said "FUCK", his world shifted too.

That day became the what if's and the can in it be's. The is this happening to me and how did I get here. The it could be nothing and the I know it is cancer. The don't Google and the WebMD searches. The day I looked at women who had breast cancer with even more pride and with those who were bitching about their fucking manicures like assholes. The day I hugged my kids tight even though they were loud and driving me crazy. That day I knew I was going to be ok but I was so scared I was not going to be. How can one day change everything so quickly?

One lump is all it takes to scare you, to change everything and make you look at everything in a different way. Whether that lump turns out to be benign or filled with the cancer beast it smacks the shit out and will make you reflect. DCIS, inflammatory Triple negative, IDC, metastatic, lobular, male breast cancer all need to be addressed and acknowledge not pitted against each other like a boxing match. We all have our own challenges in life and no one can ever for a second understand how someone else's DX effect them. That one lump or non-lump changes how we look at the world it should not be how we look at cancer. 

Today is my lump day and I will spend it getting my yearly MRI, ugh. I hate scans not because I worry they will come back bad but the process is very hard on my body now. Everything from the injection to the scan to how I respond after.  Try getting a line in an arm with cording or one with lymphedema. Listening to the DING DIGN GRRRRRRRR BLGGGGGGTTTTTTTTTTTT while you suffer from tinnitus is pure joy! My body is not what it used to be that is for sure. Cancer attacked me and it started with that fucking lump!

Yearly MRI 2013

MRI means scananiexty

Tomorrow I have the pleasure (sarcasm) of having my yearly MRI, yes I get a yearly MRI. Everyone keeps asking me why. At first I was all defensive and was ready to get on attack then my breastie Lisa wrote a post about how she feels just about this fact. I realized that most people were not judging why I had one but were jealous (not in a bad way but in a I am so scared I wish I had one too way). They wanted any scan to see that the beast was gone but most doctors do not do this.  Although I know my breastie downstate Annemarie is having one too this week, she has to do whatever I do! Having a scan never guarantees anything but for a moment after the freak out or course, it does let us breath a sigh of relief. It lets us feel like we are NED for awhile, No Evidence of Disease. Saying cancer free indicates we are free, reality is we are never free of cancer. Trust me we are always reminded.

I had my lumpectomy June 2012 and then my first MRI following that. I remember that day all too well. I was nervous but I really thought the lumpectomy got everything so I was doing ok. Except for the fact that the contrast really messes with equilibrium, MC actually caught me a few times. I remember joking with the techs and laughing thinking all was fine. Then we went back into the room with the radiologist and he showed us the MRI.  There were my breasts, those stupid dumb bitches. The right still filled with cancer the left a "probable benign spot"-serious who makes these words up that is ridiculous. MC was asking all these technical questions, I just sat and stared at the screen. It was all lite up in pretty colors letting me think it was a sparkly beauty but really it was in there trying to kill me. The lumpectomy did not work, I needed a mastectomy.  And make it a double I did not want that probable spot coming back with a kick.

I  had the mastectomy in July 2012 then in April 2013 I found a lump, a skittle if you would. In the exact spot that the original cancer. Mild freak out happened but I did my best to remain calm. My breast care doctor took me that day and she removed it in office, it really was just a skittle! No really just a cyst but how I had a mastectomy? Guess that 1% of breast tissue that was still there. I had an MRI soon after my first yearly and I was clear for take off. Then the DIEP this past December 2013 and my plastics took 2 swollen lymph nodes out from the left side the "probable benign" spot. His words as he has me completely cut open everywhere "I thought FUCK if this is cancer and I can not do her recon she will kill me" came back "unremarkable" another dumbass word. I mean really give me something better than that.

ALL that being said when it is up for a scan there is no wonder I get a little freaked. You see cancer is not cut and dry there are always many variables and everyone's process is so different. I have a feeling that I will be ok but come on cancer has a mind of its own so I am scared to jinx it at the same time. Almost like if I get to cocky it will come back and say "Didn't see that coming did you" so I want to be prepared, but not too prepared.  I had someone say to me "oh I had a mammogram the other day I was fine you have nothing to worry about" I get they were making me feel better after a cancer DX a scan just isn't that simple. You get this pit in your stomach like when you are starving but then you go on a roller coaster after eating Christmas dinner. That is how you feel. Then your head jumps in and starts playing these mind games. You want to stay positive but then you have this pain under your arm right were they took nodes out and what if..... But you can not live in that what if world but how do you get out of it??

Plus I see the look on my four boys faces just now as I Sam asked if tomorrow was scan day and I said yes. We went from a simple family game of Uno to 4 boys with turned down smiles thinking what if? They get that it is all different now that that cancer made its appearance once and we didn't see it coming now we don't want a surprise. I refuse to tell them it will be ok because last time I did that I came back a liar. I simply said "positive energy right?" to which Julian replied " good you will be mother" in his best Yoda voice. Nothing like a little Star Wars to break the tension.

So tomorrow they will inject me with contrast, I will get all wonky and MC will steady me out. I will hold my breath until my follow up appointment. OHHHHHHH yeah that appointment is on the day I found my lump. is that a good sign or a bad omen?? I am going with good cause you know what they say....Oh I don't know what the hell they say but I am going with the good! Now hold my tiara while I get my MRI.