This little light of mine

Yes I know that the logic answer is that the light in the window is the flash from the camera, I am a college educated lady so I get that is what you see. I want to tell you a secret. For my entire life this picture has meant the world to me. The cake is amazing (I needed two cause I am a princess after all), my brother is smiling, my sister looks ready to party and my father has his arms wrapped around us. But that is not why. I used to pretend my mom took this picture and I was looking at her and that light is her shining on us. Say what you want but that is what is happening. 

You go through life and look for signs and ask for those who have died to show you something because it brings you comfort. That is what the light does, it comforted me. When I was younger I pretended that she was there at this birthday party yelling at me to smile, telling me that I light up her life. It is funny because today on my 43rd birthday I do not find that silly. I think that is exactly what she was doing. 

I hate my birthday because it was the last event before her death, it looms over my family like the darkest cloud ever. No she would not want that but it doesn't matter we ache still for her so the light in this picture needs to shine.  I imagine that my birthday the first year after her murder was painful but if I know my family  they used it to eat, drink, eat some more and to find a way to embrace the loud love in the house. Birthdays are supposed to do that right? But this birthday came with a price because the anniversary of her death comes after and their heart was broken. But there was this little unassuming princess asking for birthday cake so the party must go on.

Finding a light to shine at your darkest moments warms you and gets you through. This picture was just 2 years after her death. It was still raw and painful but you don't see or feel that. All you see is a little princess with her big protective brother, big loving sister, her daddy with his arms around his family and the light of her mother shining on a birthday party. 

The opps is 7

I really never thought I could get pregnant after Anthony. I know what you are thinking that I am crazy because I clearly had 3 kids. But I also had 4 miscarriages and was on hormones to hold my pregnancy with Anthony #3. So when I missed my period when Anthony was 14months old I was shocked to say the least. I called my BFF in tears (not the joyful kind) and she was unsure to congratulate me or wish me luck. Nerveless seven years later this monkey butt Julian Albert is here. Funny cause if this kid was first there would have not been another. I am pretty sure Dr. Rick did not cut the umbilical cord cause he is still attached to me. He is so flippin whining that  sometimes I think someone is punishing me. Do not even think about touching his legos he will lose his shit on you. This kid has a temper like no other. But at the end of the night when he snuggles into my chair, sucks his thumb, twirls my hair and reminds me how much he loves me all that goes away. Julian tells his friends his mom is a super hero that battles breast cancer, "don't mess with her she will crush you too" he has been known to say. He loves his momma like the princess I am and for that I love him like my baby forever and a day. Happy Birthday you crazy, monkey butt. You sure do require a lot of duct tape.

Just remind me of that when he freaks because Tom moved his legos to get into the playroom to get a coat!

Happy Birthday, 14 years and no one has gotten hurt

You amaze me and astound me, you surprise me and annoy me. I love you with every part of me yet I want to hang you from the rafters. The day you were born I changed and became a mom and I learned so much I love you for that. Keep your kind heart and your say no attitude but do your damn homework and put the phone down. Pay attention in school and stop talking back to me. Be yourself and love who you are. Accept those faults and learn how you can make yourself an even better human. Admit when you are wrong, it is ok to screw up just do not keep doing it. More importantly get good grades so you can go away to school, far away. Know that lights go together and take them out of the washer ASAP. Treat your love with respect and gentleness and if they break your heart I will hunt them down. Remember that even though you will grow up and be far, far, FAR away I am your mommy. Some day in the future we will be friends but for now you can be embarrassed by me and freak when I come to school and track meets. You do not have to like my rules but know they are there to guide you not to torment you (well maybe just a little). I will ride you and only expect the best because you are simply that and more. Stop being a jackass to your brothers and be the stand up guy you are to your friends. Duct tape lasts a long time and I have plenty of rolls. No one will ever make sauce like momma nor will they love you as much as me. Always come home for Sunday dinners, home is wherever your momma is cooking.  Thank you for making me proud even when I am angry I love you monkey butt. Happy birthday to my first born, Benjamin Edward. You came on the scene early filled with so much charm, god knows some days you need that to get you through! XOXO