Burn Baby Burn

For Surgery number 7 or is it 8 who the hell knows I had no desire to go for the stiletto look.  Cancer can have $1 Old Navy flip flops that I gave to Meg after. Screw this bulshit. I went in with a full blow migraine, yes migraine into a quick operation on Tuesday June 16th . Doc asked if I wanted to try local anesthesia and not get knocked out, I asked him if he was "fucking crazy", please put me to sleep . The scars need to be cut out and I do not want to remember a thing. After the quickie in the OR if only it was a joy ride, I was literally rushed over to radiation, yes that day! The nurses were a little perplexed and frankly freaked to send me off but they went with it. 

Rads is weird, no really it is. The staff was amazing over the top to say the least. The idea is to kill all the tissue and any cells that are hanging out to zap the hell out of them before they have to grow.  Now please keep in mind that while I just came from OR I still have a migraine, am starving yet nausea  and now am waiting to be radiated so I was in no mood to joke. And guess who was with me?? TOM-the joke master extraordinaire. . Not a great day but Tom and I used it as a date night, hell there were no kids so why not. His humor got me through this crazy day. So they make the mold, set you up, then line it up and then they run like they are being chased out of the room-like literally run out of the room.  Which cracked me up because they are leaving me there half naked, breast half cut and they run. Radiation takes 2 minutes for me and I thought big deal that was easy! So I go back the next day with my BFF MC (I swear they all tried to get a free lunch out of me). Was in there for 2 minutes and left, this time sore and exhausted. Then my girlfriend Lisa took me, I was so tired and so sore starting to burn. Realizing this was not an easy ride, why didn't someone tell me?? Then Jess took me the next day I could barely move my arm, cording starting, burn in full effect, completely whipped out. And then I realized this is no freaking joke!

There it is and let me express that is nothing compared to what I have seen. NOTHING compared  to others but this is my story and in the words of Seporah "it is all about you". I have been using Lindz Cooling pads in the fridge they really help cool the burn.  My fab doc gave me some of that silvadene cream which is great.  A breastie sent me some amazing cream by Ava it smells delicious I wanna eat it and really seems to be calming my skin. As for the soreness and the ache, I will say it for the 100th time if you do not have a Comfort Pillow, get one! It not only is super awesome for those damn lymph nodes that come out it helps relieve some of the pain from cording and radiation so your arm does not rest on your side. 

I am off of treatment for a few weeks to heal and see what happens. Path came back clear so this is the right course for me. Next will be my abdominal  scar. Do you know how far that bastard goes?? Almost from butt cheek to butt cheek! No joke. I am worried about that- the healing and the radiation. We as a society treat rads as the "easy treatment". Who the hell decided that? We go every day and have radiation into us?? This is the definition of radiation per google -the emission of energy as electromagnetic waves or as moving subatomic particles, especially high-energy particles that cause ionization. Does that sound good? NO it does not. So why do we not treat patients like they are not in treatment? I have heard doctors say it is no more than a bad sunburn. UMMM really??? Here is a fact sunburns increase your change of skin cancer you douchebags. Stop treating us like we are stupid and that we do not understand what you are doing to our bodies this is not a joke to us and we need to stop taking it lightly. 

After radiation treatment you must, lotion up, hydrate, and rest. let your body heal after being burned and having electromagnetic waves flow through it. This is not a walk through the park people you go every day, bring a friend and have a milk shake after. However do not wear your tiara it could set the machine off and that would not be good for anyone. 

Don't look back.....

It’s funny how sometimes I think we have to look back just a little to see how far we have really come. Seeing what we have accomplished is just what some of us need to give us the push to get through this next phase. As we approach the New Year, we fill it with resolutions, goals and all sorts of achievements that we want to reach. But the reality is our body has changed so drastically, so how the hell can we do half of what we want? When I think about where I was in January 2014, I am amazed at where I am right now. I am talking mentally--screw the weight crap. That is one of the things we forget: mental health. 

For 2015, we need to focus on our mental health! Breast cancer changes our physical body so much that it alters our self esteem, our confidence, our sex drive and ultimately our mental being. This has to be the first place where make the change in 2015. If we can regain a little of our self worth back, just think of all that will follow! It is time to accept, respect and honor what we hide under those damn clothes, understanding the marks cancer left and getting a grasp on the person we have become in spite of them.

But how, when cancer brings a load of pain, death and suffering? I have no idea but what I do know is that if I do not find a way to reclaim my mental being in 2015, part of me loses to cancer and that I can not handle. 2015, is about healing: finding that garden, planting and blooming wherever you grow. Digging deep and finding that mental health is the key to physical recovering. Here is a great thing, I am not gardener at all. I need help weeding, pruning, watering and getting the right sun. Finding someone to help me is how I will get my mental health on in 2015, and chances are, they need it too! What a beautiful garden we will have!

So I say ‘bring on 2015.’ I look forward to this year unlike many others in spite of my health issues, in spite of the challenges I face because I know that I have so many people who will help me as I am helping them bloom! Perfect attitude as I go for my mastectomy tattoo this January, which will be--you guessed it flowers! And yes I will be wearing my tiara!

- See more at: http://www.curediva.com/blog/blog-homepage/dont-look-back/#sthash.VXgoBFHm.dpuf

When mom gets cancer

I can sit here and type about how cancer effect me emotionally and physically. I can tell you how it stressed out Tom, worried my dad, freaked my family and friends and changed my kids. But I can not explain in detail what they felt. Every family feels cancer that is just a fact, especially kids.  Fact is kids are selfish by nature not in a mean way they learn over time to thin of others (yes I know some are giving right off the bat but come on not all). Cancer makes it hard for kids to get out of their little world and think about their parents. When I was diagnosed my son Ben then 12 was hit hard- he was in the midst of teenage years, fitting in, being a selfish child and well honestly he hates sickness even a cold he runs the other way. Add the fact he was the oldest made it  a lot was riding on him. He acted out which made me so sad because Ben and I were so close.

It was through writing I learned that Ben was angry. Not at me really but since I had cancer that was where it was directed. Cancer is not a thing to touch or see or feel and really who would want to? So in turn kids especially take it out on the adult with cancer. Once we realized this with Ben we worked through it and it all made sense to both of us.  I remember once in the hospital I was so mad cause he wanted to leave to go to a friends, I wanted to see him. I cried when he left. It wasn't until I read the reason for him hating the hospital that it was clear to me.

 So great that Marie Claire took it, beyond exciting right? I thought so until I got some emails and saw the bigger picture. People were emailing telling that now they understood why their children where lashing out, it made sense. One women had her son read it and he was crying telling her "Mom he wrote what I feel". Another said that her daughter was so angry she was not speaking to her and wasn't coming to the hospital, her daughter has OCD too and now it clear why. See Ben's writing was validating these kid's feelings, he was showing them that they are not alone. And it was helping parents see that kids are effected my this frigging disease no matter how we try to shelter them. I am blown away this morning. I literally can not answer all the emails, which proves to me that this MUST be read by parents and kids. Please share it, I am sure you know someone just like Ben feeling his feelings too. Yes I am a proud momma right now, it may last all day this time.

http://www.marieclaire.com/health-fitness/when-my-mom-had-cancer#post_comment

Image by Genevieve Fridley Photography

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Image by Geneveieve Fridley Photography

Blog around the world

You know when you get a chain letter in the mail and you think "so dumb" and in the garbage it goes (ok maybe email cause it is 2014). Then the next day you trip and break your big toe, drop a gallon of milk and it spills everywhere and your dog pukes on your favorite flip flops and you think damn I should have forward that letter. Sometimes as a blogger, yes I am a blogger, you get asked to do a chain blog and instead of worrying about all the bad things that could happen you agree to it. Last year I did the 30 days of blogging with WEGO Health and to be honest it was so stressful I wanted to cry. The pressure was too much to take but in the end I read some great blogs and went outside my little blogging comfort zone and did it.

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My girlfriend Joanna emailed me about a Writing Process Blog Tour at first I will not lie I groaned for many reasons don't worry I am going to tell you why. First Jo is an incredible real writer, I am just a soccer mom with stupid dumb breast who swears A LOT in my blog. Second, I felt mild pressure to actually do it because I was honored she asked me. Third, I was scared that she wasn't going to like it. All completely dumb because Jo has always been there for me. She and I met via this world wide web. I wish I could rewind my cancer brain and remember if it was twitter or Facebook or our blogs but we became friends. Yes, we are real cyber friends we worry about each other and check in on one another. See we both have cancer and that connects us and binds us in a way that can not be explained unless you are in this unique circle of sisterhood. "Cancer Connection" we have dubbed it.  One day- which seems like years Jo asked if she could use one of my images for a mastectomy post she was doing about amputation. I agreed, it was an amazing post because after all our breasts are amputated right? Joanna Montgomery's post about amputating body parts to stay alive sparked a lot of controversy on my FB page, I was honored to be a part of an important discussion.  It was honest like her writing always is, it brought forth real discussion about things we were all thinking and it opened up a window into our thoughts for those who do not have cancer. Joanna has a way of doing that, I am so honored to be her friend.

So anyways, that is how I got here. Now my job in this "tour" is to answer some questions and introduce the three bloggers I have asked to do this with me. That was the hardest part, who do I choose. I asked a few and some said no (I hate them now-JUST KIDDING). Which I respect this is a lot to ask. But three said yes! And I am proud and honored to be in their company. I want to introduce them first then answer my questions, they need highlighting and I haven't thought about the answers yet. So here they are in no order, drum roll please....

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1. Chris Dean she blogs on http://www.pixiecd.com/ and has absolutely nothing to do with cancer. I connected with Chris on one of the many social media outlets, on one of our insomnia nights, may even have been during the WEGO blogging time. She suffers from being a middle age women with children, a husband and way too many pets with a dash of mental health issues but shit don't we all?? I love her swearing, Star Wars, coffee drinking, chin hair, panic attack butt. She makes me laugh, cry and I can relate to her posts. We have become friends in this blogging community and for that I am grateful. I respect her writing and am always humbled when she reads and tweets my blog. She is a real writer after all, or maybe she is pretending to be one I can not tell any more. I really believe she rocks, check her out!

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2. Jennifer Lukowiak  http://www.thefashionistafights.com/ Part of my job at Cure Diva is to find fabulous bloggers for the page. I love it because I think everyone's story should be heard. On occasion I really connect with the blogger, I mean like we start emailing back and forth so much that I forget I am supposed to be working! That is Jenn. I love her smile, her humor, the way she writes but most of all her support. She really gets that the key to surviving breast cancer is through empowering other women hence her book. "Does This Outfit Make Me Look Bald?" a book for women to laugh, cry and feel like they are keeping their fashion on through this stupid dumb breast cancer. She is there with her wit, her sarcasm and her smart attitude to really help those going through this. I love that about her, but I love the friendship we have developed. I just love my job.

3. Emily Helck http://rtonj.blogspot.com/ You know what sucks about cancer I am introduced to girls that are too young to have this friggin disease. Trying to not swear cause Jo doesn't AHAHAH. I had the pleasure of doing a Huffington Live interview with the lovely Emily and Angelo Merendino who I had already been friends with for over a year but I loved getting to know Emily.  We were on discussing why we choose to document the cancer process. It was raw, real and the awareness I want and was doing which made me instantly connect to her. To see this young amazing women stand before me with her body and mind altered in a way that will change her forever yet to see her healing herself through the video and blogging was so empowering. I emailed her that day. She is amazing and I have full faith she will succeed and become something grand, I will be proud to stand by saying "I knew her when".

And now for my Q & A or maybe you are done reading I get that this is a long ass blog post and I am sure Tom will be back soon with the kids so I will try to wrap it up.

What are you working on? Besides mom business and maintaining life I have a thyroid check and neuro appointment this week. I an upcoming surgery (that post is coming). But I am VERY busy with Cure Diva. I am working hard at the Guardian program, getting bloggers, checking products, and many other tasks. I love it. It is actually my therapy. I feel better when I am helping others and getting that email of excitement when I we make them the Diva of the week or Blogger of the week is so worth it.  These are my friends and they need this! They need the encouraging words others leave, they need to release the blog post filled with their emotions and they need the support that the page offers. PSSSSSSSTTTTTT So do I:)

How does my work differ from others of its genre? First, let me say I never thought my blogging would amount to a damn thing. I did it so my loud crazy family would lay off a little-FYI that didn't work. I think why it took off and is different is because I am still me. My spelling sucks, I use horrible grammar, my punctuation is bad but my message is clear. I want women to see and feel that they are not alone. All those insane feelings are real, those sleepless nights, the aches and pains, that itch that won't stop, the anxiety, the anger/guilty/happiness,  are all the "new normal". I do this the only way I know how by being me and I think that is honest and real and people get that, well that and I have really cute shoes.

Why do I write what I do?  HAHAAH sometimes I wonder. My head is a scary place. Truly I feel like if I am feeling it then maybe if I get it out it will help. I suffer from depression and have found blogging to be very therapeutic. Just releasing the words help with the pain that you can not see. As a result others see that this does happen so they are not ashamed. Win win I say.

How does my writing process work? Having insomnia helps. I lay in bed and thoughts start swirling. Then someone will ask me something and BAM I think that goes with what I was just thinking at 3am. Once I start typing I get a mood and I start to ramble on sort of how I talk. Can be good, but I find that my point may get lost. This is were I had a little more writing skill but at the same time I am ok with my crazy writing. It is mine and it is working.

Ok I did it! PHEW. You know what is great about this? You learn a lot about other bloggers. The truth is when before cancer I joked about blogging. My BFF and I would laugh at it like it was a joke, this is no joke. Hard work, but in the end it is worth it. My question to you is did you make it to the end? AHHAAHAAA

Can I have a glass of wine? Where is my tiara??

CURE DIVA

I hate saying that cancer gave me this opportunity because I don’t want anything from cancer. The truth is life is what gives you chances. Your kids, family, friends all help to evolve you from those things that life throws at you. Cancer just happens to be part of my life as well as so many. I met this beautifully strong woman named Efrat via social media. We tweeted, emailed and became fast friends. See she lives in Israel, which may sound corny but I think that is so cool. Efrat wanted to actually talk so through the modern technology we Skyped. It was crazy cool! I felt like she was right here not because the connection was great but because we bonded straight away. She told me all about

Cure Diva

and what it meant to her, what she wanted from it and how she wanted it to help others. The whole time she chatted I thought “this is what I want”. Then she asked me to join and be part of the team. I was overwhelmed with excitement. I thought great I will play on the site. Then Ester contacted me and asked to talk, again in Israel so cool!! We talked and I felt right away an amazing friendship growing. After a few emails asking questions she said she would write a proposal. WAIT….does she mean J O B!? Low and behold she did and I quickly accepted. My family was proud and excited. Julian started to cry “Mommy don’t go to work in Israel”, no honey from home!! I am thrilled not just for this get opportunity but because I believe so much in this page. The page is partnered with

Breast Cancer

.org which gives immense help throughout the breast cancer process. BUT what Cure Diva does is helps us to stay in tune with our inner (or outer) DIVA. Cancer without a doubt screws with our feelings about being a fashionable woman, trust me I have been wearing sweats, leggings and yoga pants for 6 weeks!! Let’s face it fashion is important and it’s so hard to find the right bra or cami during your surgery or treatment time. Cure Diva is there for you. My gorgeous friend Efrat has asked

Giuliana

Rancic to be a diva as well. Tell me who knows fashion better??

Glamour

mag featured the partnership in an article. I am so honored to be among these strong women who understand that cancer takes so much; we need a space for us to get our style back!!

my fabu friends!!!

The page gives advice about treatment, DX, treatment, products and surgery. That is where I come into play. I will be the “Guardian of Surgery” because well, ya know I have had a few. I could not be happier to be reaching out to women as they embark on their cancer road. I did after all go to school for psychology, granted it was forensics but we don’t need to be technical. There is so much more to having a surgery than just the operation itself. The emotional and physical toll plays hard into effect; I will be on Cure Diva helping those with this road! Please check the page and share it. It really is a great place for us to meet, chat, get help and find the products we need to get us through this thing we call cancer. The only thing missing from the site is a tiara section. Knowing my breastie Efrat she is saving that for me!

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