Burn Baby Burn

For Surgery number 7 or is it 8 who the hell knows I had no desire to go for the stiletto look.  Cancer can have $1 Old Navy flip flops that I gave to Meg after. Screw this bulshit. I went in with a full blow migraine, yes migraine into a quick operation on Tuesday June 16th . Doc asked if I wanted to try local anesthesia and not get knocked out, I asked him if he was "fucking crazy", please put me to sleep . The scars need to be cut out and I do not want to remember a thing. After the quickie in the OR if only it was a joy ride, I was literally rushed over to radiation, yes that day! The nurses were a little perplexed and frankly freaked to send me off but they went with it. 

Rads is weird, no really it is. The staff was amazing over the top to say the least. The idea is to kill all the tissue and any cells that are hanging out to zap the hell out of them before they have to grow.  Now please keep in mind that while I just came from OR I still have a migraine, am starving yet nausea  and now am waiting to be radiated so I was in no mood to joke. And guess who was with me?? TOM-the joke master extraordinaire. . Not a great day but Tom and I used it as a date night, hell there were no kids so why not. His humor got me through this crazy day. So they make the mold, set you up, then line it up and then they run like they are being chased out of the room-like literally run out of the room.  Which cracked me up because they are leaving me there half naked, breast half cut and they run. Radiation takes 2 minutes for me and I thought big deal that was easy! So I go back the next day with my BFF MC (I swear they all tried to get a free lunch out of me). Was in there for 2 minutes and left, this time sore and exhausted. Then my girlfriend Lisa took me, I was so tired and so sore starting to burn. Realizing this was not an easy ride, why didn't someone tell me?? Then Jess took me the next day I could barely move my arm, cording starting, burn in full effect, completely whipped out. And then I realized this is no freaking joke!

There it is and let me express that is nothing compared to what I have seen. NOTHING compared  to others but this is my story and in the words of Seporah "it is all about you". I have been using Lindz Cooling pads in the fridge they really help cool the burn.  My fab doc gave me some of that silvadene cream which is great.  A breastie sent me some amazing cream by Ava it smells delicious I wanna eat it and really seems to be calming my skin. As for the soreness and the ache, I will say it for the 100th time if you do not have a Comfort Pillow, get one! It not only is super awesome for those damn lymph nodes that come out it helps relieve some of the pain from cording and radiation so your arm does not rest on your side. 

I am off of treatment for a few weeks to heal and see what happens. Path came back clear so this is the right course for me. Next will be my abdominal  scar. Do you know how far that bastard goes?? Almost from butt cheek to butt cheek! No joke. I am worried about that- the healing and the radiation. We as a society treat rads as the "easy treatment". Who the hell decided that? We go every day and have radiation into us?? This is the definition of radiation per google -the emission of energy as electromagnetic waves or as moving subatomic particles, especially high-energy particles that cause ionization. Does that sound good? NO it does not. So why do we not treat patients like they are not in treatment? I have heard doctors say it is no more than a bad sunburn. UMMM really??? Here is a fact sunburns increase your change of skin cancer you douchebags. Stop treating us like we are stupid and that we do not understand what you are doing to our bodies this is not a joke to us and we need to stop taking it lightly. 

After radiation treatment you must, lotion up, hydrate, and rest. let your body heal after being burned and having electromagnetic waves flow through it. This is not a walk through the park people you go every day, bring a friend and have a milk shake after. However do not wear your tiara it could set the machine off and that would not be good for anyone. 

Save the Boobie.....How about save the PERSON

Save the boobies

Save the Tatas

Save the Headlights

Don't wear a bra to support for those with breast cancer

I was recently quoted in the Daily Orange about these campaigns. Kathryn did a great job in her column but like she said there could have been more but ran out of space. Well I have plenty of space here.  Not going to lie I have used some of those then I got breast cancer and that changed. There is a lot to say about this on all different levels, shall we start at the top?

Doctors appointments, we instantly loose our sexuality at the endless doctor visits where they are poking and scanning and injecting our breasts. We get used to taking our shirts off in those appointments and it has NOTHING to do with "saving second base" and everything to do with saving the person diagnosed. We lose modesty and become robots in this wicked game.  At the moment when you hear those words "I am sorry you have cancer" you are trying to save yourself from death. The doctors make appointments to have your breasts removed, amputated if you will and you want us to think that is sexy? What the hell? We are removing, disfiguring and altering our breasts not saving them. 

When someone goes through a sex change they are put through counseling to make sure they can handle the changes about to happen.  When we are diagnosed with cancer you are lucky if they even discuss talking to someone. When you are "finished" and say you are depressed they wonder why? UMMMM you just took our breasts, sent us through treatment and for many remove uterus/cervix/ovaries and there is not counseling like those who basically have the same things added and removed. Add the fact that cancer is involved  and let me tell you  we are not thinking about "saving the boobies" we are worried about finding our self in this mess and saving us. How degrading to us that it is made sexual?

Here is a thought when you make this about women you alignment this group that gets breast cancer too, MEN! We have a male population getting breast cancer and we advertise this as women's disease. Men are diagnosed late in stage and dying yet we make this for the "girls". I call bullshit on this. We as a society have embarrassed men so much about getting breast cancer that   they do not even want to discuss this with their doctors. Wake the fuck up people this is 2015 it is time for a change!

The emotional aspect of breast cancer is a huge factor. Reminder breast cancer effects us and our hormones big time. I am not talking about the sexual drive hormones but shit what the hell is my body going through. We are women are beautiful, curvy, smart and powerful then we take off our breasts and remove all that "makes" us girls and expect us to embrace these sexy campaigns? How does that even makes sense?? Do you have any idea how all this change effects our body image? We watch and sob over the loss of our breasts like a death. We loose so much from this and gain a new perspective and sex kitten is not one. Fact our breasts no feeling, nothing! So sexy and wanting to 'save the tatas' is just stupid!

"Go braless to show support for breast cancer", ummm excuse me. Let me start with the fact that most of us can not even wear a bra. The scars hurt, we can not find one that fits, and why bother! Second how the hell does that show support? A sexy ad with a tiny girl taking her bra off is not breast cancer awareness it is taking your damn bra off! There is no education in that campaign at all. Did we forget that people die from this? How disrespectful! Did you know this ad comes out every year on the one day Metastatic cancer is highlighted?

Which brings me to my biggest point! Those with metastatic breast cancer are not saving their boobs, they are dying and trying desperately to save themselves. Could society be more disgusting and disrespectful to this dying group? There will be 516,000 deaths as a result of mets and we think ads like "save the headlights" are helping? No they are not-they are muddling the voices that need to be heard. The metastatic community needs all of us to stand together and say "SAVE THE PERSON". Those with metastatic cancer need our voice, they need to be heard loud.

Breast cancer is not tied in a pretty pink ribbon. It  is filled with anger, pain, side effects, mixed with love and support from those who care and sometimes death-sex ads have no room in this. We need to stop this ridiculous campaigns and use the best ad we have, US! Show the men and women that had breast cancer, show the pain the scars, the truth. How empowering to those DX, how validating and real would that be? Maybe if we took the time to remove the sexual connotation  of this non-sexual disease and focused on those dying and hurting we could actually get somewhere! A wise friend recently said if we stop those from dying and control the metastatic community we could actually get somewhere. She is right and I know CJ would never try to take my tiara. That is not sexy it is just me, the new after cancer and before me!

The last thought is this Dr. Susan Love quote. Stop thinking of cancer patients as success stories when we can only think of us as who we were and how we ave changed. Maybe if we start there we would remove this sexual  crap that seems to "sell" such a painful disease.  Time to start seeing the difference breast cancer does to us and not making it about the degrading part that we are not getting back.

Dr. Susan Love on the collateral damage of cancer: “As physicians, we look at patients with cancer and compare them with people who have died, and pat ourselves on the back because they are alive. But as the patient, you are comparing yourself to how you were before you were treated for cancer. That is the big difference"

My mastectomy tattoo phase 1

A tattoo should tell a story I  really believe that. You should wait until you have a major accomplishment or want to acknowledge something and you need to know exactly where you want it, too. otherwise you end up years later at the plastic surgeon  painfully removing it (example all those tramp stamps). I have a sun for my four sons, a bird for my mom reminding me a "life unlived is lost", several swallows for the amazing women in my life who have died, a crown for my dad as he is my king and I am his princess, a heart for TFO, an infinity sign with my family 13 of us, a ribbon of hope with my Meggie and Rosie for stregthen and a butterfly that reminds me that when a caterpillar thought their life was over it turned into something beautiful. So clearly I am know what I am doing and it made sense that I would get a chest piece over my stupid dumb foobs. When I marched into DJ's   Halo that January 2013 and he told me I was not ready I almost cried, ok I did. But he was right since everything failed shortly after that. I waited until I was healed and we decided to stay away from the scars and it was a go NOW!!! But why do woman choose this? I can only speak for me and will do my best to do just that.

First let me start by saying there are few people my husband would want to touch my breasts at all let alone for this long. My doctors being the only and DJ being the second to only. He came with me but he and Genevieve's husband left to hit some SU bars and have talks about breast cancer and beer, seems normal on a Monday night for a school teacher and college professor. If you know DJ then you  he is the kindest-amazingest-spiritual man on the earth so I was at ease. So at ease that the left side where all my cording is and I thought was going to be the hardest, I nearly fell asleep! The right on the other hand where all my nerve damage is and lymphedema is WOWOOWWOWOWO it hurt but weird hurt. I felt nothing then BAM instant pain yet I could not tell where he was. I think DJ found this amusing but would never admit it. Now I will not lie my breast was red, swollen and pained for a few days after for sure lymph reacted. But I added an ice pack and it went down and I am fine now. SHHHHHH do not tell my doctor.

Breast cancer strips us both physically and mentally taking at times our dignity. It comes in like a devil when we are not looking and rips into our femininity like a thief. Leaving us blank. Whether you have had recon or not you look down and see what it has left behind. It is a reminder of both how far you have come, what lies ahead and the pain that you are feeling at that moment. The scars remind us of the fact that we are here, they are the tough skin that has surfaced over trying to heal. Yes the scars should be our mark that we are strong and that is true. But is that enough for us women? No fucking way! I look down and was confused, lost in emotion filled with so much it confused me. I was happy to have the cancer gone, mad to be a mess, confused because they do not look like breasts and yet hollow because I felt nothing. Felt nothing physically which was messing with me mentally.  I wanted to regain this back in some frame.

I wanted something to remind me of beauty and growth. Since healing is just that right? Walking one day I said to TFO that I wanted a flower and would he draw it -of course. He went right to magnolia since my love of the Grateful Dead Sugar Magnolia is strong. When I looked up the meaning it meant dignity, PERFECT. See between having a doctor touch, remove, cut, examine and constantly feel  our bodies we loose something-like we have no modesty any more, I did feel cancer took my dignity.  It took my body which was not perfect but it was mine and made me have to place many scars all over it, lay naked asleep on a table as surgeons and nurses removed the cancer and placed me somewhat back together. It messes with my mind making me lose my confidence and it confused who I was for a brief moment. Which I wanted back.

I had a blank emotion when I looked at my chest, something was missing and I needed to fill that space with life. Adding to the not feeling my chest I wanted to mentally feel something. Flowers for sure mean life they bloom when planted. I want to be able to take my shirt off n front of my husband and he see the beauty not the scars- I wanted to bloom again. OK OK OK I know if he even still reads this god forsaken blog he would say he never saw them. But I felt him seeing them. I want to look at myself and see flowers of plenty because in a wacky way that will make the voices tell me that is what he sees. Damn those voices, if only they would shut the hell up. They see those scars and tell me too much shit I need to take them over and rewrite the story.

My tattoo tells the story of how I have grown through this stupid dumb fucking breast cancer process. How I have learned you have to find ways to heal your mind as well as your body. That cancer takes its toll and we must finds ways to reclaim who we are and create a new us. I have accomplished so much in these past almost 3 years and have so much more ahead of me. I definitely want to acknowledge this this is what cancer can not do this is me. Cancer brought on a straight up shit show, but I am prepared to clean myself off each time! The after math of cancer is so much more than I ever anticipated, finding ways to heal is the only way to live. That and a shiny tiara!

DISCLAIMER

I am wiling to show the new ink even at family events when quiet male cousins walk in.... AWKWARD 

Was it worth it?

I get asked that question daily. Really no, none of this was worth it, it all sucked. But inquiring minds want to know so let's dish about my reconstruction. I am not going to blog about the suck ass part, you know lymphedema, exhaustion, can't move your arm, elephant on your chest all that crap- this will be just recon. I won't rehash the bullshit of "oh my god you are getting a FREE boob job", "finally getting the boobs you wanted", "are you going bigger", "no more saggy boobs" because I will just get angry and no one likes angry AM. Plus we all know that is utter nonsense. See a boob job is a choice we did not choose this and it comes at us full force. Recon from breast cancer is different they scrap you to 1% of breast tissue, rads and chemo effect how that implant sits too. Your body is going through a trauma and trying to adjust. Now add your mind set or your mind wrapped in cancer, completely different than a boob job.

The you have cancer comment happens then almost immediately after it is the "do you know a plastic surgeon?" I think our issue starts there. Why do we push right to recon? Our body is about to go into major overhaul adding this element is something I think is more pushed by society. Think about it, the first and most important is to remove the cancer. Just that surgery is intense and takes a toll on our body. The drains, the removal of the breast, the exhaustion and the mental part. Add a foreign object and what the actual f$^k just happened. Then there is chemo and rads making it all a big ass mess. Recon should come later but it does not. In retro spec I would have gone flat and fabulous to heal mentally and physically then done recon. I am not anti recon only on Brideplasty that show pisses me off.

The recon started right at mastectomy with expanders was difficult. They felt like a squeaky toy inserted in my body. Then with the fills, ugh.  I felt nausea set in and pain like a hard work out, do able but with everything else it sucked. There is a metal piece that they use to find the part for the needle to inject the saline in, seriously read that again that is in our body!  I set off the metal detector at an SU football game and had to explain to the security guards, they were freaked out I was amused. The expanders were a bitch-uncomfortable and odd. Just didn't know what to make of them. I think watching your body change before your eyes is a mind screw too. Cancer messes with you on the inside but you can not see it this you watched literally. Looking back I know I joked about it but I  think it was hard to watch yourself change like that.

Then you have the implant itself. Hard, unmovable, lifeless thing inserted into your body. CRAZY! Now do not get me wrong it works for some, not for me. I hated them. Zipping up a dress they didn't move and that got me for some reason made it so sad to me. Granted they shifted into my arm pits, not a good look. This and infection is common because of the above reasons chemo, rads, and scarping to 1% of breast tissue. I remember when I went into the plastics office the first time and asked for a tram surgery he laughed at me, rude! I weighed 107 pounds and was fit and healthy he told he couldn't find anything to make even one breast from that is why I went with implants first. It was such an alien invasion for me but everyone kept telling me how great they looked I didn't see it nor did I feel it.

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I went in to have my scars that were HUGE keloids and very painful looked at and the PA said first we need to figure out what to do about the shifting. UGH another surgery. I asked about the DIEP because now thank you cancer you dirty devil it gave me 27 pounds and I could. I was warned of the surgery but knew what it was because I had done my research and talk to many who had it. I was mentally prepared, I really believe that is why I did so well this time. My head was ready for a 10 hour surgery, 3 days in ICU, 3 days in the hospital, 3 weeks resting, months recovering, and  another surgery to follow. Do not be fooled by the tummy tuck bull shit this is not what this operation is about so do not go in thinking that. I felt like using part of me was like taking two back from cancer, hahaha I was a thief in the night and was going to get myself back. Dumb to some but to me I needed this.

Then came the revisions. ALL of my friends told me the lipo was the worse part. See with this surgery you get what someone (who the hell was it I would like to know) dubbed "dog ears" on your hips. Its from crap settling after and you need adjusting. So every time my doctor would try to explain but Ann Marie you are having.... I would reply I know the lipo is the worse. He gave up and I went in a dumb ass. This surgery kicked my ass. He removed ALL my scars, YAHOOOO and we will watch and ride them like crazy. He made my breasts the size I wanted, I always knew he went bigger the DIEP so he had something to work with. He did good but he basically did another mastectomy. OPPS I should have listened.

After reading all that do you think recon is easy? NO! Was it worth it? I won't answer that. It is what it is. It is what I had to do to feel a little like me after cancer. It is not what I wanted no matter how many times before cancer I joked about perky boobs I would never to plastic surgery as want ever. Recon SUCKS but like anything it should be your choice. Do you have to have this no way. Flat and fabulous is just that but like recon not for everyone. I think the best thing is to talk to as many people as you can and listen to their experience and remember it is just that theirs you are different than them and will handle this your way. For now my size is comfortable, they feel comfortable and I am in a good spot. When I am dressed that is don't get me started on the scars, OY this post is long enough. Did anyone make it to the end? My tiara got dusty just writing it!

  This is what my breasts have been through in 2 years, this is a lot of trauma for a person's body.