Burn Baby Burn

For Surgery number 7 or is it 8 who the hell knows I had no desire to go for the stiletto look.  Cancer can have $1 Old Navy flip flops that I gave to Meg after. Screw this bulshit. I went in with a full blow migraine, yes migraine into a quick operation on Tuesday June 16th . Doc asked if I wanted to try local anesthesia and not get knocked out, I asked him if he was "fucking crazy", please put me to sleep . The scars need to be cut out and I do not want to remember a thing. After the quickie in the OR if only it was a joy ride, I was literally rushed over to radiation, yes that day! The nurses were a little perplexed and frankly freaked to send me off but they went with it. 

Rads is weird, no really it is. The staff was amazing over the top to say the least. The idea is to kill all the tissue and any cells that are hanging out to zap the hell out of them before they have to grow.  Now please keep in mind that while I just came from OR I still have a migraine, am starving yet nausea  and now am waiting to be radiated so I was in no mood to joke. And guess who was with me?? TOM-the joke master extraordinaire. . Not a great day but Tom and I used it as a date night, hell there were no kids so why not. His humor got me through this crazy day. So they make the mold, set you up, then line it up and then they run like they are being chased out of the room-like literally run out of the room.  Which cracked me up because they are leaving me there half naked, breast half cut and they run. Radiation takes 2 minutes for me and I thought big deal that was easy! So I go back the next day with my BFF MC (I swear they all tried to get a free lunch out of me). Was in there for 2 minutes and left, this time sore and exhausted. Then my girlfriend Lisa took me, I was so tired and so sore starting to burn. Realizing this was not an easy ride, why didn't someone tell me?? Then Jess took me the next day I could barely move my arm, cording starting, burn in full effect, completely whipped out. And then I realized this is no freaking joke!

There it is and let me express that is nothing compared to what I have seen. NOTHING compared  to others but this is my story and in the words of Seporah "it is all about you". I have been using Lindz Cooling pads in the fridge they really help cool the burn.  My fab doc gave me some of that silvadene cream which is great.  A breastie sent me some amazing cream by Ava it smells delicious I wanna eat it and really seems to be calming my skin. As for the soreness and the ache, I will say it for the 100th time if you do not have a Comfort Pillow, get one! It not only is super awesome for those damn lymph nodes that come out it helps relieve some of the pain from cording and radiation so your arm does not rest on your side. 

I am off of treatment for a few weeks to heal and see what happens. Path came back clear so this is the right course for me. Next will be my abdominal  scar. Do you know how far that bastard goes?? Almost from butt cheek to butt cheek! No joke. I am worried about that- the healing and the radiation. We as a society treat rads as the "easy treatment". Who the hell decided that? We go every day and have radiation into us?? This is the definition of radiation per google -the emission of energy as electromagnetic waves or as moving subatomic particles, especially high-energy particles that cause ionization. Does that sound good? NO it does not. So why do we not treat patients like they are not in treatment? I have heard doctors say it is no more than a bad sunburn. UMMM really??? Here is a fact sunburns increase your change of skin cancer you douchebags. Stop treating us like we are stupid and that we do not understand what you are doing to our bodies this is not a joke to us and we need to stop taking it lightly. 

After radiation treatment you must, lotion up, hydrate, and rest. let your body heal after being burned and having electromagnetic waves flow through it. This is not a walk through the park people you go every day, bring a friend and have a milk shake after. However do not wear your tiara it could set the machine off and that would not be good for anyone. 

MRI means scananiexty

Tomorrow I have the pleasure (sarcasm) of having my yearly MRI, yes I get a yearly MRI. Everyone keeps asking me why. At first I was all defensive and was ready to get on attack then my breastie Lisa wrote a post about how she feels just about this fact. I realized that most people were not judging why I had one but were jealous (not in a bad way but in a I am so scared I wish I had one too way). They wanted any scan to see that the beast was gone but most doctors do not do this.  Although I know my breastie downstate Annemarie is having one too this week, she has to do whatever I do! Having a scan never guarantees anything but for a moment after the freak out or course, it does let us breath a sigh of relief. It lets us feel like we are NED for awhile, No Evidence of Disease. Saying cancer free indicates we are free, reality is we are never free of cancer. Trust me we are always reminded.

I had my lumpectomy June 2012 and then my first MRI following that. I remember that day all too well. I was nervous but I really thought the lumpectomy got everything so I was doing ok. Except for the fact that the contrast really messes with equilibrium, MC actually caught me a few times. I remember joking with the techs and laughing thinking all was fine. Then we went back into the room with the radiologist and he showed us the MRI.  There were my breasts, those stupid dumb bitches. The right still filled with cancer the left a "probable benign spot"-serious who makes these words up that is ridiculous. MC was asking all these technical questions, I just sat and stared at the screen. It was all lite up in pretty colors letting me think it was a sparkly beauty but really it was in there trying to kill me. The lumpectomy did not work, I needed a mastectomy.  And make it a double I did not want that probable spot coming back with a kick.

I  had the mastectomy in July 2012 then in April 2013 I found a lump, a skittle if you would. In the exact spot that the original cancer. Mild freak out happened but I did my best to remain calm. My breast care doctor took me that day and she removed it in office, it really was just a skittle! No really just a cyst but how I had a mastectomy? Guess that 1% of breast tissue that was still there. I had an MRI soon after my first yearly and I was clear for take off. Then the DIEP this past December 2013 and my plastics took 2 swollen lymph nodes out from the left side the "probable benign" spot. His words as he has me completely cut open everywhere "I thought FUCK if this is cancer and I can not do her recon she will kill me" came back "unremarkable" another dumbass word. I mean really give me something better than that.

ALL that being said when it is up for a scan there is no wonder I get a little freaked. You see cancer is not cut and dry there are always many variables and everyone's process is so different. I have a feeling that I will be ok but come on cancer has a mind of its own so I am scared to jinx it at the same time. Almost like if I get to cocky it will come back and say "Didn't see that coming did you" so I want to be prepared, but not too prepared.  I had someone say to me "oh I had a mammogram the other day I was fine you have nothing to worry about" I get they were making me feel better after a cancer DX a scan just isn't that simple. You get this pit in your stomach like when you are starving but then you go on a roller coaster after eating Christmas dinner. That is how you feel. Then your head jumps in and starts playing these mind games. You want to stay positive but then you have this pain under your arm right were they took nodes out and what if..... But you can not live in that what if world but how do you get out of it??

Plus I see the look on my four boys faces just now as I Sam asked if tomorrow was scan day and I said yes. We went from a simple family game of Uno to 4 boys with turned down smiles thinking what if? They get that it is all different now that that cancer made its appearance once and we didn't see it coming now we don't want a surprise. I refuse to tell them it will be ok because last time I did that I came back a liar. I simply said "positive energy right?" to which Julian replied " good you will be mother" in his best Yoda voice. Nothing like a little Star Wars to break the tension.

So tomorrow they will inject me with contrast, I will get all wonky and MC will steady me out. I will hold my breath until my follow up appointment. OHHHHHHH yeah that appointment is on the day I found my lump. is that a good sign or a bad omen?? I am going with good cause you know what they say....Oh I don't know what the hell they say but I am going with the good! Now hold my tiara while I get my MRI.